NPR Causes Wrinkles. It’s True.

May 5, 2008, by Prudence Baird

Botox causes brain damage. Cell phones cause brain cancer. Teenage children cause brain implosion. Okay, that last one is NOT true—but they do make you feel like your head is going to explode.

Especially when you are trying to hear on NPR a report about the link between brain damage and Botox that was just discovered by an Italian research team and your teenage son is talking about — what? I very exaggeratedly turn UP the volume on the radio and shake my head at him.

These actions are apparently universal American body language code for “Please speak louder,” because he leans into my face and says — what?

I still can’t hear him because all I can hear are the words Botox and brain damage in the same sentence. And the NPR reporter is speaking in that weirdly accented NPR voice that says — what? I can’t hear her (or is it a him?). I can’t hear my teenage son.

The words Botox and brain damage pound in my brain (or what’s left of it after the Botox toxin has apparently eaten away some part of my brain that reasons—or is it the part that forms memory? I’ve already forgotten!)

I surrender and make a mental note (also promptly forgotten) to panic later.

“What is it?” I demand, frowning; and then again, NOT frowning.

As he explains something — what? — my mind wanders to the now-shattered daydream of driving to Boston for an indulgent day of getting my hair highlighted and my brows and crows feet obliterated with food poison, which I guess is what Botox really is.

“So, can I?” he asks.

“No!” I snap. If I can’t have my wrinkles smoothed out, he can’t have whatever he wants either.

“Geeze, Mom.”

“What is it you asked?” I relent—somewhat, still mad about missing the gist of the NPR story.

“You didn’t even hear me!” he marvels.

“No, I didn’t!” I try to sound like the voice of authority, but he’s not buying it without the furrowed brow.

“Are you going deaf?”

“No, I’m but I’m planning on getting very, very wrinkled,” I tell him.

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3 Responses to “NPR Causes Wrinkles. It’s True.”

  1. C Robin Says:

    That is so funny! The exchange between your and your kid, not the Botox poison part. I can’t believe that ad campaign for Botox: “Express Yourself”– when “freeze your expression” is more like it. Going under the needle is now scarier than ever. Keep me off that party list ladies.

  2. cfinhollywood Says:

    I’ve been a lipstick addict for years, and it’s apparently toxic for you unless you buy it a Whole Foods; so, the idea of botox (toxin that it is) would be worth entertaining if not for the unfortunate and obvious side effect, which has nothing to do with looking like a surprised 20-year-old: like covering gray roots, you have to keep doing it until you die, or just go with looking older. Think I’ll stick that money in my pocket and spend it on martinis.

  3. christie Says:

    Omigod, this is devastating. Has Hollywood held its first charity ball yet for all those at risk actors, models and ordinary LA people who want to look like actors and models? We must start a foundation. Any ideas for the title?

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