Fauna v. Flora

My garden is in bloom and I am planning my annual adventure into growing my own food. Last year I luxuriated in my homegrown tomatoes until I worked out that each bite of plump juicy red flesh had cost about $3.14; I could have bought a pound of locally grown for about $2. The rabbits that have taken up residence under the deck enjoyed most of my other horticultural efforts. They decapitated tulips, bit into squash, trashed ferns after deciding they really didn’t like the taste and gnawed the Hostas down to the flora version of bloody stumps. This year will be different.

Rabbits in your yard are cute. Rabbits in my yard are a national threat and I need to take appropriate action. I have fantasized about adopting a Bushovian scorched-earth policy but the local hardware store does not sell napalm and carpet-bombing could negatively impact good neighbor relations. Anyway, I am a bit right of Democrat so a kinder, gentler solution was needed… and it came in a spray bottle. “Deer and Rabbit Repellent Guaranteed” heralded the label, and the product claimed to be environmentally safe and biodegradable. Yes!

Upon the first bunny-sighting the other morning I ran to the garage and grabbed my weapon. I was gleefully spraying everything and muttering strange and awesome invocations against Mr. Cottontail when a gust of wind wafted across the lawn. The smell was indescribable. This stuff could repel anything! Skunks, bears, Clinton campaign staffers, Al Qaeda!

I was resisting the urgent need to projectile vomit when my neighbors’ back door opened. I ran back into the garage to gag and hide. I heard Ryan and Matt emerge and then stop. “Do you smell that?” “Yuck!” As they hurried down the path Ryan wondered if they should check on an extremely elderly neighbor whom they hadn’t seen in a few weeks.

After pressure-hosing my yard, I sat glumly on my deck looking at the muddy mess and musing on the need to employ a more reasoned approach to perceived problems. Quick dramatic solutions are more likely to have repercussions none of us want to live with. Remember “Mission Accomplished?”