“In and Out of Love”
May 28, 2008, by Connie Stetson
Keep falling in and out of love
In search for what I’m dreaming of…
sing Diana Ross and the Supremes
The older I get the more often I find wisdom in song lyrics, and because I’m looking at 60, I find them on the oldies station. But I’m actually writing about being married.
My husband and I have been together now for more than twenty years. I am his third wife, and he is my first husband. We lived together for three years before we wed and were middle-aged (he was 51 and I was 40). We are very well-suited to each other and are deeply married. That being said, I find marriage peculiar.
Remember that first stage, that flush of passion? Where you cannot keep your hands off each other, no one, but no one, has ever had sex as good as you two, and every joke is hilarious and crafted just for you? Where every phone call, date and glance feels like a secret jewel to be hidden away and protected like in Lord of the Rings. You know, “Preciousssss…” and no one has ever understood you more than your beloved. Then you nest and on to the rest. But what is peculiar to me is the ebb and flow of marriage. It’s an unstable element like nobelium. Happily, I haven’t yet fallen out of love with my sweetheart, but some days, I gotta tell ya, it ain’t easy.
Lee and I went backpacking a couple of years into our relationship and he had hiked so far ahead of me on this hot, scrubby, dusty slog, that all I could see of him was the back of his head. I kept thinking that the back of his head looked like a thumb. I really wasn’t feeling the love that day, I’ll tell ya. Then he wrote the script to my show, Sarah Hawkins Contemplates a Fourth Marriage. BAM! Big love. He’s lost his keys, my keys, wallet and credit cards about a dozen times, my binoculars, 14 cameras and a cell phone. I’m not loving that little idiosyncrasy. Then he dedicated his book, The Wild Muir, to me. WOW! How cool is that? He can’t cook, can’t dance, though he does with great gusto, and simply cannot fix anything. I mean the man is scary with screwdriver. Then he knocked himself out to get to me from a road tour when my mother was dying. No matter what happens in our marriage from that moment till whatever end, I will love him forever for being there for me for that.
So, I guess my advice to you young ones starting your lives in a marriage or commitment, IF you know you have a good thing, and IF (and this is VERY, VERY IMPORTANT) you are not being hurt or damaged or diminished either physically or spiritually; and when you look into the eyes of your love you see your own best self reflected back to you, and then it starts to feel peculiar, wait it out, laugh it off, talk, let it go. Like life, long-term love changes all the time. It’ll be hell and bliss. Keep falling in and out of love, with each other.
May 28th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Wow! Could not have been wrpped up any better then “Keep falling in and out of Love” and strangely enough, always asking my mother for the secrets of her fifty year marriage to my father, and then asking my priest for advice with my 23 year marriage – both seemed to provide the same bottom line. Throughout the course of your marriage, you most definitely will fall in and out of love – The Secret – How and what you do to fall back in love is the key to success!! How ironic that, one more interesting piece of wisdom that was shared with me from both mother and priest, is something else you include in your write up. Of course, my question to both was, “Just how do you do that when you are ready to Kill the person?” The answer from both started with “take yourself back to the good times, memories and situations that you have shared”!! I believe when these hard times come in a relationship – you have a choice…either place all efforts in the good and betterment of your relationship, or seek happiness outside, which is what most do to find that they will be back to square one as there is no perfect relationship without trials and tribulations. Matter of fact- these trials and tribulations are stepping stones to an even stronger bond and relationship with your partner. God knows it’s not easy!!!
May 28th, 2008 at 10:18 am
So the fairytale notion that marriage is bliss is a bunch of malarky. I guess anyone who pays attention to folks who are married can see that. My parents have been married for over 60 years, and through thick, thin, good and bad, they are committed to one another. Endurance seems to be a good thing on all counts.
May 28th, 2008 at 11:11 am
I’m single, never been married but you’re making me think maybe I should give it a shot. I fall in and out of love with myself all the time. Maybe I could stand to do it with someone else who might do the laundry from time to time.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
K Dub,
Getting married does not insure that you’ll have help with the laundry, but you will have more.
May 29th, 2008 at 12:05 am
i have fallen in love with my husband time and time again in our almost 10 years. never quite OUT of love, but sometimes straying that way… sometimes just for a very LOUD second! luckily i have that kind of person next to me that is everything i ever wanted and a few things i didn’t really bargain for, but are totally good for me anyway – even if i don’t like to admit it! “all you need is love” (everybody!) … and a good sense of reality and how lucky you are to find someone to put up with YOUR crap on a daily basis!
May 31st, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Connie, Thank you so much for writing this. I love your 50 is the new… I have been married for 30 years and my advice to people is to be willing to work hard at it. Now I know that isn’t glamorous but anything we are willing to work hard at usually gets better, or at least doesn’t completely fall apart. ) As Smiley and I age and our children have grown we are now in a new phase of our lives so we are each trying out new things. Smiley now has his pilots license and flies a small plane (a thing I have NEVER been interested in) and I have 2 tiny terrier dogs that run all around and bring life into our house so I don’t miss the “boys” so much. Tiny dogs are something that Smiley has NEVER wanted. If you now see us in the sky in a tiny plane with two tiny terriers sitting behind us you will know that is what our love is really all about-compromise and being able to see the other persons side of things. Love really is the thing that gives us wings to fly.
June 6th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Great article, soooo true. George and I have been married for 16 years. I married my best friend which makes marriage easier although still at times horrendous. Our secret to falling back in love with each other over and over is laughter. Not a day goes by that we don’t laugh together.
Single ladies, find someone with a good sense of humor it’s one of the most important qualities to look for, trust me.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:10 am
Connie:
I keep forgetting to tell you how much I love that picture of you and Lee. This weekend I thought about our dinner at the Bug before I got married last Sept. You are such a great friend and you show up for my life
Loving you today-Gail