On Men
June 9, 2008, by Connie Stetson
“On Men.” Quite a title, yes? I’ve spent way too much psychic energy “on men”, literally and figuratively. The darlings.
My father and mother divorced when I was six, my sister was four. When he left us, he promised he was just leaving mom, not us. He lied. He was so handsome, funny and charming; a musician, and we loved him wildly. I learned from him, that part of love was expecting a broken heart. He disappointed me one time too many and I didn’t speak to him for 15 years.
In the now, I have forgiven the irresponsible child my father was, and have a fairly decent relationship with him. These days he mostly wants to talk about the weather, so it’s easy. And I am ever so grateful to be in this world. So I thank him hugely for my life. I do not send him a Father’s Day card, nor do I call him on that day. A feeble protest to be sure, but it matters to me.
I managed to shake off that early childhood training like a bad case of fleas, had to, because I love men. The men I’ve attracted to my life since my thirties are like my dad, but not like my dad. They’re funny, smart, talented, and damn good-looking. And even more—evolved, honest, responsible, they show up when they say they will, and they’re trying to figure it all out as well. The darlings.
And anyway—whatever road I had to travel was well worth it, because I found my Lee. My sweet, patient, gifted, kind, generous husband. The darling.
Hey Cathy, remember when we were listing THE essential qualities that were necessary for THE man in our lives? I said funny, smart, and generous; and you, so wisely added, and kind. He must be kind. You were so right! Glad I added that to my list.
Blogging off,
Connie
June 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
My friend Leslie says, “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” I know that’s not good grammar, but it does speak to the kindness quotient.
June 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am
Lay aside your feeble protests and forgive the man totally. Give him a call or send him a card on Father’s day. That kind of forgiveness is for you not him. If he dropped dead tomorrow I promise you you would wish you hadn’t been so committed to your feeble protest.
June 10th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
He may not have parented you, but he still is your father. It’s obvious that you turned out a-ok in spite of it all. I agree with Wishingstick, send him a card while you still can.
June 10th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Funny, smart, generous……and kind. But without “the right time”, you end up with me and not Lee. Gawd I think highly of myself.Props to you and Lee. And with free long distance and roaming…..why not drop a quick call to the old man on Sperm Donor Day!
June 11th, 2008 at 11:15 am
If only Hallmark made THAT card. I forgave my father and myself long ago and I am at peace with my relationship to him. But thanks for the counsel.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I say you know what you want to do with your dad. Being someone’s biological gateway into this existence doesn’t grant them a free pass. Not all parents are people worth our time, and some of them are downright dangerous. I’ve had way too many unthinking, unknowing, uninformed, unenquiring “friends” give me this same advice, and they don’t know jack shit about the lies, abuse, psychopathology, my history, or the extent of my efforts before they descended into my benighted life to enlighten me.
Does Hallmark make a card that says “I’m an adult (and a fabulous, well-adjusted, generous and intelligent one at that) and you should keep your fatuous directives (not even suggestions, but orders!!) to yourself?” I think you’ve done a righteously good job of coming to YOUR terms with YOUR father. Congratulations, bella.
June 14th, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Thank you, C8. It takes someone who’s been there to fully understand how deeply parental damage cuts, and then how high one has to reach to get to the forgiveness we achieve. It ain’t perfection. I’m not even trying to get there. All my love, Conz
June 27th, 2008 at 10:20 am
Connie, I agree with C8. You do what you want. (you will anyway my love)
July 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
When the greeting card says: “Thank you for screwing up dad! All the hurts, and the goodies, you gave me made me who I am. Gave me the opportunity to explore what it means to be human and how perfectly imperfect we are; gave me the opportunity to learn forgiveness deeply. To give it and to receive it. To become fully human and strong as a river. To not fear pain, but to learn from it. To accept people as they are. You are not the person I turn to when I’m in need. You are not the person I can’t wait to call when I’m joyous. But you gave me life, you gave me my genes (like it or not!), and I appreciate everything that you are”, that would be the truth…..I’d buy that card and send it!