Letter From a Pit Bull
September 18, 2008, by Carine Fabius
Dear Sarah Palin,
You said the only difference between a hockey mom (you) and a pit bull (me) is lipstick. I take issue with this characterization.
Pit bulls are fiercely loyal to the hand that feeds them. The government of the United States feeds you plenty, but in a couple of speeches you cheered on the Alaska Independence Party, whose goal is to secede from the U.S., and whose leader professed his “hatred for the American government” and said, “I won’t be buried under their damn flag.” You even invited the party to this year’s convention. And, your husband was a registered member of the party. You are no loyal American. And you are no pit bull.
The only way you resemble a pit bull is that you are easily trained by nasty people. (See “fiercely loyal to the hand that feeds them” above.) Kind of like Michael Vick, your handlers taught you to bare your teeth, growl like you’re a killer and fight to the death, even though you are fighting against your own kind–people from small towns who most feel the pain of a disastrous economy run by the party of your handlers.
Pit bulls don’t discriminate against city people as if they are aliens or godless terrorists. We like them as much as we do small town folks, as long as they take care of us and give us shelter. We are equal opportunity lovers, as you and your partner should be, if you plan to govern this entire country and not just cater to your base like George W. Bush did to pitiful effect. Stop tarnishing our name.
Pit bulls are not so radically religious that they can be mistaken for Al Qaeda operatives. Come to think of it, pit bulls don’t care at all about religion. We only care about four things: our owners, food, love, and a nice walk at the end of the day. Again, you lie about us.
Pit bulls are spayed and neutered every day. You don’t believe in birth control—or sex education or contraception—which often leads to teen pregnancy, which would be the most mortifying stain on a black candidate (were it his teenager) but is now presented as a celebration of life by the Grand Old Party of Hypocrites, because it’s yours.
Famously, pit bulls are smart as hell. That governor’s jet you boasted about selling on E-Bay was sold to a business associate of yours at a LOSS to taxpayers. I would call that suspicious and a twist on the truth, but definitely not smart.
Like the republican spin machine that can take a nice word like “smart” and turns it into “elitist,” there is a spin machine that portrays pit bulls as vicious and dangerous dogs. In fact, as most pit bull owners know, we are affectionate and sweet. Now, regardless of whether we are vicious and dangerous or affectionate and sweet, I dare say these are not qualities deemed essential for the job title: Vice President of the United States. I won’t even mention One Step Away from President.
My owner loves to read, and I understand that you tried to fire a librarian after she told you she would never censor any books at the Wasilla Public Library. That you even asked the question (as some kind of loyalty test?) makes me want to turn vicious and bite you.