Letter From a Pit Bull

September 18, 2008, by Carine Fabius

Dear Sarah Palin,

You said the only difference between a hockey mom (you) and a pit bull (me) is lipstick.  I take issue with this characterization.

Pit bulls are fiercely loyal to the hand that feeds them.  The government of the United States feeds you plenty, but in a couple of speeches you cheered on the Alaska Independence Party, whose goal is to secede from the U.S., and whose leader professed his “hatred for the American government” and said, “I won’t be buried under their damn flag.”  You even invited the party to this year’s convention.  And, your husband was a registered member of the party.  You are no loyal American.  And you are no pit bull.

The only way you resemble a pit bull is that you are easily trained by nasty people.  (See “fiercely loyal to the hand that feeds them” above.)  Kind of like Michael Vick, your handlers taught you to bare your teeth, growl like you’re a killer and fight to the death, even though you are fighting against your own kind–people from small towns who most feel the pain of a disastrous economy run by the party of your handlers.

Pit bulls don’t discriminate against city people as if they are aliens or godless terrorists.  We like them as much as we do small town folks, as long as they take care of us and give us shelter. We are equal opportunity lovers, as you and your partner should be, if you plan to govern this entire country and not just cater to your base like George W. Bush did to pitiful effect.  Stop tarnishing our name.

Pit bulls are not so radically religious that they can be mistaken for Al Qaeda operatives.  Come to think of it, pit bulls don’t care at all about religion. We only care about four things: our owners, food, love, and a nice walk at the end of the day. Again, you lie about us.

Pit bulls are spayed and neutered every day.  You don’t believe in birth control—or sex education or contraception—which often leads to teen pregnancy, which would be the most mortifying stain on a black candidate (were it his teenager) but is now presented as a celebration of life by the Grand Old Party of Hypocrites, because it’s yours.

Famously, pit bulls are smart as hell.  That governor’s jet you boasted about selling on E-Bay was sold to a business associate of yours at a LOSS to taxpayers.  I would call that suspicious and a twist on the truth, but definitely not smart.

Like the republican spin machine that can take a nice word like “smart” and turns it into “elitist,” there is a spin machine that portrays pit bulls as vicious and dangerous dogs.  In fact, as most pit bull owners know, we are affectionate and sweet.  Now, regardless of whether we are vicious and dangerous or affectionate and sweet, I dare say these are not qualities deemed essential for the job title: Vice President of the United States.  I won’t even mention One Step Away from President.

My owner loves to read, and I understand that you tried to fire a librarian after she told you she would never censor any books at the Wasilla Public Library.  That you even asked the question (as some kind of loyalty test?) makes me want to turn vicious and bite you.

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7 Responses to “Letter From a Pit Bull”

  1. dearpru Says:

    You know what, my little poochie? Whenever I hear Palin open up her (tired, old, packed-with-lies) stump speech with “Guys?! And gals?!” I want to take a big bite out of someone, too. Grrr. That voice.

  2. Ruby Says:

    Dear Pit Bull,
    Thank you for making it so clear. Sarah Palin is surely an insult to your breed, and an insult to my breed: woman. But the difference between her and a barracuda — a voracious predator that hunts — not much at all.

  3. rosemary Says:

    I feel your pain. Pit bulls already have a dicey image, at best, but Sarah Palin may have done irreparable damage to the entire breed. This is not a good time for anyone, but now no one is safe, not even pit bulls.

  4. Jeff S Says:

    Hell hath no fury like a Pit Bull scorned.

  5. beezersmom Says:

    Do you want to see what she’s done to your relatives, the regal grey wolves of Alaska? Check this out:

    https://secure.defenders.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=c406_091608palin_tv_share&JServSessionIdr012=tdhqtyfcy1.app24a

    For every $200 donated to Defenders of Wildlife, this ad will play in a key swing state.

    Hunting wildlife from airplanes and helicopters is just plain wrong.

    P.S. You know that state jet that she sold? It has a new life ferrying wealthy hunters around Alaska to 5-star hunting lodges.

  6. Anne Holmes Says:

    Dear Pit Bull,

    I feel your pain, and clearly you are smart as hell. Thanks for standing up for your fellow pit bulls!

    As for what I think, check out my blog!

    Anne

  7. christie Says:

    Thank you on behalf of our noble cannine pals and family members.

    Let’s hope Ms. Palin gives us a tearful farewell in the next week, explaining that her family needs fixin’ and those guys and gals in Alaska need her too. Of course, avoiding a debate with that nasty ole liberal Joe Biden wouldn’t be a bad idea too.

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