CHANGE: From the Files of “Be Careful What You Wish For” and “Never Say Never”

The Sufi’s say, Ya Fattah—May the Way Open. A Sufi said this to me at a gathering about a year ago.  I know well enough to know that God’s time, the universe’s time, whatever you want to name it, is frequently different than my time.

What I can say is when the way opens, it REALLY opens and you’d better be ready to walk through.

As has been documented here, I’ve been single for a long while, seven-year cycle to be exact.  In August, I met a woman at the behest of an inner voice yelling at me to turn around and go back and meet her, 

—in November, she proposed and I accepted (more on the “Never say Never” later);

—in December I am moving from California to New Mexico to be with her;

—by January we will likely be making our home together.

Whoa!!!!

I hate to be a Lesbian cliché, moving vans and such, so let me just state this has never been my way. I have made a home with only one other. When that relationship ended after 10 years, I said “never again”.  Not because the living together part was bad, it was not, but because the ending and the losing of my home was heartbreaking. So my “plan” should someone come along, was we could be in a relationship and maintain separate domiciles!  Ahhh the best laid plans.

At the age of 51 I have met someone for whom I had a gasp of recognition. While the recognition was shared, the way was not open. She was in a dating relationship at the time. I was not willing to cross that line, nor was she.  So we went our separate ways and at the time I did not know when or if we would come back together.  Needless to say, we did.

This was a case of “knowing” at first sight. Once we allowed the knowing, the love was standing right there behind it.  In a most poetic, tender and romantic manner (the details of which I prefer to hold private), my beloved proposed to me and I, the marriage naysayer, said “Yes” without flinching. I am finding that midlife love has qualities that bring an unparalleled solidity and richness to the exchange. Yes I am as giddy as a 16-year-old in love for the first time, but we are also bringing some life wisdom to the table, which manifests in clear communication, an easeful manner of sharing space, a million laughs a day, and to borrow a line from a Bruce Cockburn song, “a great big love, sweeping across the sky.” The fascination with young women in this culture is seriously misplaced, older women are so much more interesting and frankly, we are also Hot, and I don’t mean hot in terms of flashes.

Change, even change we initiate is hard. I am leaving the proximity of all my treasured friends and that brings sadness and a little anxiety. But as one friend said, it’s all bridge-able.  In this time of “jumping” I’m receiving lots of advice.  “Grow each other,” says one long-term couple followed by “Moving in together usually requires some give and take, don’t get caught up in interior decoration details.”

Another friend says her 20-year relationship succeeds because of their commitment to talk and laugh but that, even so, some afternoons feel like 20 years!

I suppose we might have a 20-year-like afternoon on the day we decide what to do with my beloved’s favorite chair.  Those who know me, know it’s no small thing that I said “Yes” to the marriage proposal only days before Proposition 8 was approved in California. My answer is still “Yes.”  And if it’s a choice of a 20-year-like afternoon discussion about a citrus-colored chair that doesn’t fit with my aesthetic scheme, or the possibility of 20 years together, well then, I say… Bring on the chair!

…That, my friends, falls into the “Be Careful What You Ask For” category and is perhaps the biggest deal of all.