10 Things I Plan to Accomplish in 2009

January 22, 2009, by Carine Fabius

todo_list

1. To stop the nonsense uttered by Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber and other circus freaks that pass for commentators on world affairs, I will invent a supersonic chip that makes microphones go dead whenever they try to speak.

2. Simply by spraying my yet-to-be-invented secret potion in the air, Israelis and Palestinians will fall madly in love with each other and forget why they ever started fighting in the first place. I plan to call it Love and Forgetfulness.

3. I will engineer a price increase of corporate executive bonus proportions for the hormones injected in poultry so that organic chickens become the cheaper alternative at the supermarket. This way, the next generation of 12-year-olds won’t be found shopping bra racks, wondering if they look sexy enough in their midriff tops. 

4. The presidents of Colombia, Brazil, Peru, Venezuela, Ecuador and Guyana will embrace my suggestion that all indigenous tribes be granted territorial rights to the lands they have inhabited for hundreds of years in the Amazon. So, when petroleum companies, gold prospectors and loggers come calling, they can just say no, or at the very least, pocket the money from those sales.

5. Thanks to me, everyone will agree that all actors earning $20 million per film must give 90 percent of their salaries to countries like Haiti. I know a mere $2 million per movie is criminally cheap of me, but I’ve been called worse.

6. I will create a publishing house oversight committee whose purpose is to ensure that author submissions be considered on the merits of writing ability, entertainment value, originality and ability to draw an audience, instead of ability to fit into a stale, formulaic box with sensationalist content, or celebrity attachment, no matter how flimsy.

7. I will get all telecommunications companies to offer an option that STARTS with: If you would like to speak to a live operator, press #1.

8. I will get the Taliban to admit that they have confused the original precepts of sharia law with a spoofed version of the Koran penned by Donald Duck; that women are smarter than they are, and that their beards remind everyone of Osama Bin Laden, who looks like the sick relative of someone from Clan of the Cave Bear.

9. Barack Obama will agree to mandate that all parking meters accept all coins and bills, and offer 4-hour time limits. While he’s at it, he will also do away with that inane Electoral College BS, and make all future elections a one-person, one-vote affair.

10. Finally, (and I’m sure all my over-fifty friends will agree), I will convince the Great Mystery up there in the sky to do away with daylight altogether because we all look so much better at night.

Notice I didn’t call them resolutions. Those never get past January 10th anyway. These are my very real and achievable goals. Don’t ask how I plan to accomplish them. As you may guess, I’m very busy at the moment. That supersonic chip is a bear when you flunked Science 101, but what the hell…

Potential glitch: yesterday was Chinese New Year, and according to 2009 predictions for those born in the year of the monkey, my “fine creative streak can be put to excellent use if I concentrate on one task at a time rather than attempting many projects at once.”

Oh oh. Happy New Year anyway!

P.S. If you have any other goals you think I should add to my list, I fear no challenge; send me your suggestions, or better yet, let’s become partners! I could use the help.

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11 Responses to “10 Things I Plan to Accomplish in 2009”

  1. Cathy Says:

    Great list Carine! I’ll back you up on all of them and add Fox News pundits to #1.
    My personal accomplishment list would include:
    1) decent health care for everyone regardless of income or nationality
    2) the comeback of manners with the wave of a wand
    3) people using their turn signals when driving

  2. dearpru Says:

    Okay, here’s one for you: SUVs can only be driven by adults 35-55, between the hours of 2 a.m. and 4 a.m., with the vehicle’s radio/stereo off, and only if every seat is filled by a living, breathing human body.

  3. Joan Says:

    Carine,

    I especially love your mention of the $20 million actor salaries, although being an actor I understand how hard they work and how the presence of the NAME makes the difference between a film making it or not, but REALLY . . . $20 MILLION???? REALLY????

    My resolution for this year is to reach out to more and more fabulous women with my web series “50 To Death.” Like “fifty is the new” we are trying to live with humor and grace, well, maybe not the “grace” part. but we have a great time. If you haven’t checked us out at http://www.50todeath.com, please join in and help me make my New Year’s Resolution come true. I’d love to get ideas from the great ladies who blog here about subjects and stories for future shows.

  4. Jayme Says:

    Joan, $20 million is nothing for big name actors.
    From Forbes salary list for 2005-2006:
    Tom Cruise $67 million
    Jodie Foster $27 million
    Brad Pitt $25
    Nicole Kidman $22
    I guess Julia Roberts didn’t work that year. She was the first to make $20 million with Erin Brockovich, and that was in 2000. I would include athletes too. They make way too much money!

  5. laura Says:

    Carine, I love the way your particular sense of humor conveys meaningful thoughts….its so original… and they follow me into my days and I’m reflecting again and again on subjects I wouldn’t have questioned.

  6. marguerite Says:

    Carine,
    Truly insightful. I would add one day a week without tech for the 0 to 99 population. What? you say. No smart phone sms, emails, blogs etc…Umm… There is always the next day when can you knock yourself out with the stuff! We would not be missing much.

  7. rosemary Says:

    Gosh, I know this is hard to believe but everyone has covered most of my concerns. A brilliant list to be sure! I guess if I had anything to add it would be to send Cheney and Bush to the Kyber pass (helicopter, wheel chair and all) and make them haul supplies back and forth to our troops in the dead of winter. If the cold winter doesn’t kill them, the Taliban will. Think of all the taxpayer money we would save on trying them for war crimes.

  8. Conz Says:

    How about all those tacky, wasteful, over priced mini-malls get transformed into real nieghborhood schools, and we fund them? Carine–I’ll work your campaign to become Benevolent Dictator.

  9. beezersmom Says:

    Ha-ha! Rosemary rules! Best suggestion yet! (I’m into revenge.)

  10. carine Says:

    What a great bunch of suggestions to add to the list!

    To Joan: I think actors should make plenty of money if they can get it (millions sound really good to me!); it’s just that when ONE of them gets all the big bucks, all the other actors have to take the spare change.

    To Marguerite: I totally love it. I once had dinner with a friend who took no less than ELEVEN calls or commented on the people trying to reach her. Can I hear a yawn out there?

    To Rosemary: I LOVE the idea of handing over wheelchair bound Cheney and the smirking Bush to the bearded wonders!

    To Conz: Go, baby! Just call me BD from now on.

  11. Joanna J. Says:

    My list is simple….
    1) Grocery stores should deliver at no charge. (Who actually likes to grocery shop? Not me.)

    2) 18-24 years, 25-35 years, 36-49 years, 50 – Fabulous! Stop with making being over 50 seem like a black hole!

    3) No texting at the dinner table (home or in a restaurant). Any while we’re at it– Can we please all just turn the Blackberry OFF after 7pm and on weekend— like the good old days!?!?!?

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