Nice Girls Finish Last
March 12, 2009, by Cathy Fischer
Top Chef finalists Stephan, Carla and Hosea
When will women stop being such people pleasers?
Case in point: “Goody Two Shoes” is an expression reserved for females. It conjures up images of a child, a dimpled Shirley Temple-type, in a starched white dress, bobby socks and Mary Janes. “No more Mister Nice Guy,” on the other hand, is reserved for men. Picture a driven, successful executive. Mad Men’s Don Draper comes to mind.
After watching the finale of Top Chef, I was peeved. The three remaining finalists, two men and one woman, were asked to cook a $100k-winning meal. I was enthusiastic about Carla Hall, a 44-year-old woman with her own catering business, a great sense of humor and a big heart; an underdog who eventually found her stride and became a real contender.
Carla has personality as big as her hair. She cooks with love, and is proud to say so, plus she has classic French training and southern roots to boot. But Carla did not win. Why? Because, like so many women, Carla is just too nice!
The finale’s twist brought back three finalists from prior seasons to be sous chefs to the competitors. Carla was going to play up her culinary strengths, using her talent for French sauces and win, right? Wrong. When her sous chef, a woman named Casey, strongly suggested two changes to Carla’s carefully planned menu (mini soufflés and to cook the meat sous vide, a technique that Carla was unfamiliar with) Carla, being the typical people pleaser, agreed to do things Casey’s way. That was Carla’s downfall. The dishes that failed were the beef and the soufflé. My heart dropped, as did those sorry little soufflés. And then I got angry.
Why are so many women so frickin’ nice? We’re taught from an early age to smile and be good little girls. Have we come a long way baby? I think not. From generation to generation we’ve been playing nice—and where does that get us? Stuck in an elevator with a creepy person? Saying yes, when we really mean no? Getting overlooked for a promotion? When will we get the balls (a male accoutrement) to listen to our instincts and act upon them? Can women find the sweet spot between nice and nasty, and not be labeled bitches?
I fret if I think someone’s feelings might be hurt. What if, God forbid, I let someone down? Good daughter, good sister, good coworker, good patient…. “You’re so good for him,” said my ex-father-in-law about the Peter Pan husband, a comment that made my skin crawl. (Too good is what he really meant, but that’s another story.)
In an interview with New York Magazine Carla was asked, “So Casey wasn’t bossy or overbearing? She gave ideas and you liked them?” Carla politely answered that she was so grateful for the help that she gave her power away.
The LA Times Blog wrote: “…it was beyond painful to watch Carla second-guess herself out of the running, causing her to sob openly in front of the judges.”
We were sobbing with you Carla—and for so many reasons. Nice girls don’t win.
March 12th, 2009 at 8:56 am
Me too! I was so mad at Carla when I saw the disastrous choices she made, I wanted to shake her. Then I thought she would get the audience favourite award, and it went to Fabio! Aaargh! My grandmother used to say “Never give your sense for child’s. I say, “never give your sense for anyone’s”
March 12th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I would offer that perhaps society has not deteriorated further because women have remained “nice”. It is our ability to work together, to plan, to come to agreement, and to allow others to shine that separates us from our lone wolf brothers. On the other hand, Carla should have felt more comfortable with that whole leadership thing. Chef is french for chief, isn’t it? And–women do have balls…we just wear them on the inside. Great blog, Cathy.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Ow. This was a painful read. How many of us saw ourselves in this mirror that you held up, Cathy? Probably 100% I remember carefully prepping my “team” of coworkers (both male) for a meeting with the head of a foundation and a Big Hollywood Star who was on the foundation’s board. I had all the notes, the strategy, the background from prior meetings. Just before the meeting, I went to the ladies room. When I came out, the male co-worker who was actually under me had aced me out of the meeting. “Mr. Big Hollywood Star asked that only two of us meet with him and the foundation president,” said Mr. Sniveling Underling. “And since you weren’t here…” I should have told them that I was going to buy bullets for my Colt 45 instead of to the ladies room.
March 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
The thing that stopped me from being annoyed with Carla is that she said at the end that her intention from the start was to do contest — okay, here I’m forgetting her exact word. But it was ‘nicely’ or ‘with dignity’ or something like that. What I heard from what she said was that she was opposing herself to those who Did Whatever to Win the Freakin’ Thing. She said she was proud that she had maintained that stance throughout, been true to herself. And Carla, clearly, is someone who works With people, not For herself. (Yeah, yeah, yeah–all those caps mean something!)
March 12th, 2009 at 9:32 pm
Isn’t that the truth! And yet, I cling to my niceness. I hoped Carla would win, as Stephanie did last year, and we’d have the nice girl winning two years in a row. Don’t forget that the nice girl DID win last year. Sometimes she does! We just have to keep moving along, being ourselves and doing what we think is right and sometimes, we too will triumph! Or at least I hope so.
March 12th, 2009 at 10:27 pm
Wow. I feel like could write a whole blog about this myself. I’ve been a nice guy to my detriment many times; yet, the few times I tried not caring so much FIRST about how the other person might feel, I’ve been called all kinds of names, and mostly by women! Oh, well, my nature is to empathize and for the most part, that’s what feels right, so I guess I’ll go with that. But I’m getting bolder and more assertive and not giving a shit so much with every passing year. Something to do with getting older, oops, more mature!
March 13th, 2009 at 1:34 am
My friend’s husband, an irredeemably selfish man, said one time “the problem with women is they let us get away with crap ALL the time – they find excuses for us, over and over again. They should just refuse it, make us grow up.”
I think it is perfectly possible to be powerful without being bitchy – but that comes largely from not being attached to male approval (a life-time’s training gone, then). You’re then free to say what you like, and you haven’t that *angry* bit inside which makes you say the nasty things that get you the bad name.
March 13th, 2009 at 7:04 am
Great post, Cathy. The good news is that there IS a happy medium between “nice” and “nasty” – it’s called REAL. By whose standard is Carla a loser? Ok, she didn’t win the prize, but she walked away with something much more valuable – herself.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I agree with those of you who wrote that Carla isn’t a “loser” — yes, as she said, she competed with “love” which for some seems like an oxymoron. In doing so, she created a generous female-oriented way of the warrior. She did however give up her power which made her “finish last,” but she learned something in the end. All in all, she won a car and many fans. Her DC catering business is probably going gangbusters. And as Debra Stokes wrote, “she walked away with something more valuable—herself.” Yes!
Carla’s story brought up a very important issue for women, and from all these smart comments here at Fifty is the New…, I can see the many different sides of this subject. Thanks for writing!
March 13th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Having been a nice-girl-people-pleaser and occasional doormat for a good part of my life, I truly related to this post, Cathy. I also like the way Debra Stokes talked about striking a good balance between “nice and nasty” — the importance of being “REAL.” Thanks for all this good food for thought!
March 14th, 2009 at 9:31 am
I agree that women need to own their own power/talent/being/whatever. My metaphor for this right now is (as I wrote on my FB last week) perfecting my embouchure to better toot my own horn. I too am tired of just being thought the nice girl (at 60+!) but, as good ole Eleanor said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” We have to develop our embouchure (our inner resources – values, confidence, etc) so we can toot our own horn (our work, our relationships, etc.)
March 20th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
I too was disappointed that Carla “gave in” so easily to suggestions from others. It seemed that she often did so in spite of her better judgement. I do not think she had to choose between being nice and sticking to her own vision in the finale. A good leader listens to others but remains true to their vision. Carla seemed to lose focus during several of the challenges during the competition. And that is what happened during the finale. A life lesson for us all!
April 16th, 2009 at 7:16 am
I hated it that Carla lost and I do think she was too nice here. Like many other things, the key is knowing when to be nice and knowing when to politely but firmly hold your ground. And maybe there are times when downright, screw the world I am doing THIS, is appropriate. Knowing what is needed when is the key.
But, dang it, I LOVED Carla. I have to say though she is a little too ‘go with the flow’ I think. She got that far by going with the flow and I think if she had a little more edge to her, she’d go much further.