My Purposeful Life
March 17, 2009, by Melissa Howden
Photo by M.A. Howden
I try to be an adult. By this I mean I try to act with maturity, awareness and with consideration of others. I am, after all, 51 ½ and “this many” months old. Sometimes though I just want to act on my impulses, which is to say ACT OUT!
Recently, I was having a difficult time with a loved one. We were in one of those cycles of talking and fussing, fussing and talking. It was a circular form of talking in which nobody was being heard and nobody was listening. Going nowhere.
I guess one sign of maturity, which I’d like to think comes hand in hand with age, is that I am able to recognize patterns and occasionally access some of my adult tools to improve the situation. In this case I knew that what I needed was to just quit talking and get quiet, while my loved one, on the other hand, wanted to forge on through to a resolution. During my self-imposed silence, I received an email saying, “I wish you would write.” At that moment it was all I could do to silence the teenage voice inside me. I really, really wanted to send an email at that point, which just said…
“Write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write, write.”
I am please to say that I didn’t send such an email, however it was instructive to me to recognize that I wanted to, yet didn’t.
Around this same time I spent a day with a number of women, in a beautiful place in Northern California. The gathering was inspired and made manifest by my friend Lila who just wanted to bring together women who inspire her. It was a retreat of sorts, dubbed the “Goddess Summit” but mostly a “good hang” with really cool women at varying stages of their lives: from 20-something to 60-something, some coupled, some not, mothers, grandmothers, those without children, of varying sexual preference and multiple hues. Like that.
The most common denominator is that we share the same meditation tradition, but make no mistake, this was not a precious gathering…rather a gathering of intrepid; take no prisoners, smart, intense women, some of whom can cuss with great finesse and regularity. A reoccurring theme of the days’ conversation was our life’s purpose. Many of us were concerned with purpose in a more pragmatic sense and others of us wanted to understand the big picture—PURPOSE in capital letters.
Kind of a big question and the conversation has continued in email, on Facebook and other virtual communication lines. I’ve been chewing on this question of purpose for a long time. What is it? How do I find it?
It occurred to me the other day that I’ve been looking too hard. I was thinking about my earlier “write, write, write” impulse and realized that a chance at purpose presents itself daily. I’ve been carrying a piece of paper around in my wallet that says “Tikkun olam” which is a Hebrew phrase meaning perfecting or repairing the world. I’ve been stuck in the big idea sense of purpose; believing that repairing the world only happens in a peace prize cover of Time Magazine kind of way.
If I had sent the “write, write, write” email I would’ve essentially given in to a base tendency, contributing nothing of value to the communication process and the relationship. Acknowledging that I had that email in me however, did make me laugh which resulted in an important softening. This all seems so elementary but in fact I have felt so liberated of late, recognizing that there is great purpose in just about every life circumstance. To be present and conscious, to choose the high road, and act with the most truthful open heart possible in even the most mundane interaction, this is my purpose, my daily contemplation and contribution toward perfecting the world. I know myself too well to think this kind of purposeful life is easy, but what kind of life is, after all?
March 17th, 2009 at 8:44 am
A lot of food for thought, Melissa. What strikes me is that we, as American women, have the luxury of even considering living a purposeful life; a life dedicated to something other than basic survival.
We are lucky that so many of us can control our fertility, access healthcare (both physical and mental), work at a wide choice of careers, drive cars, wear whatever we want to wear (or not), share our opinions, love whomever we wish to love without fear of being stoned to death…so many of our sisters–even here in the U.S.–do not enjoy these freedoms.
I’m thinking that to begin each day with gratitude for what we have is to take the first step towards leading a purposeful life. Thinking this way opens doors and reveals new paths that beckon with possibility. I wonder why it is that I often forget to be grateful. Thanks for the reminder.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I’m with Pru. I’m grateful for having the capacity to consider “purpose”. So many women are just hanging on by their fingernails. I find that when I stay open and ask “how can I help”, the purpose just floods in.
And–I allow my inner snotty adolesent a voice.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Amen, Melissa. Amen, dearpru. Thank you both.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:38 am
I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately – probably because this year I’m turning 60. What should I be doing to make a difference? Recently a long time student of mine gave me a present after I taught a yoga class. Along with the gift was a note that thanked me for giving her life. My first reaction was to protest. But recently this woman was diagnosed with a very rare, terminal illness. For her, my classes give her the energy that she needs to make it through a day. Very powerful indeed. It occurred to me that sometimes the things we think are small and insignificant, are the very things that do get someone else through a day, or a moment. We are interconnected and are constantly leaving our footprints in the sand.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Wonderful, humorous, thoughtful, rich essay. Thank you Melissa. And what inspiring, engaging and heartfelt comments by those who read it! I too am committed that conscious engagement and thoughtful choices contribute to the experience & quality of life.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
Ladies, I take my hat off to you. Yours has become one of my most favorite blogs. I see a new post and I wait to read it until I have time to sit and take your words in- slowly. Sometimes I laugh out loud, sometimes I ponder your words, but mostly I think- W O W– what a cool group of women. Thank you!
Thank YOU Joanna! Your comment acknowledges my reasons for starting this group blog almost a year ago. Yes…a very “cool group of women” with so much to say. I wanted to share my friends’ brazen and brilliant ideas, their thoughtful musings and hilarious humor with a larger community. Thanks for supporting Fifty is the New! —Cathy R Fischer P.S. I’m quite fond of your blog The Fifty Factor too.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Nice piece Melissa. Eye on the prize – daily doings are what it’s all about.
March 19th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
Several years ago I saw a young South African girl on a television special. She had lost every member of her family to AIDS. She was maybe 11 years old, very poised, and wise and alone. Her one prayer or wish if you will, was this,
“God, Make me Someone!” She didn’t want to be famous, she wanted to be able to go to school, she wanted to stufy to be a Doctor and be of use to her community. She was not a privileged, educated, nor American but she longed for purpose.
“Make me Someone!” I will never ever forget her.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Melissa, I love the conversation in your head with your teenage self. I find that happens when dealing with my parents or other intimate relationships. As for purpose, yes, I agree, it is those small things, every day. Thanks for pointing out that we don’t need to win Nobel prizes to make a difference.
March 21st, 2009 at 9:04 am
Thank you, Melissa, your piece changed my day. I am envious of your participation in the Goddess Summit. But, of course, you are a goddess, you had to be there.