Is it Hormones or is it Me?
March 20, 2009, by Carine Fabius
Ballerina Marina Franca, 1941, photo by Weegee, International Center of Photography
Is it hormones or the economy? Am I just a bitch or do I have multiple personality disorder? It’s so easy to blame weird moods on hormones that I figure it must be something else. Aren’t clichés and lazy, hackneyed, knee-jerk reactions meant to be busted? For some reason, my husband sees no earthly reason not to blame my shifting moods on my hormones.
Like a dummy, I recently asked him, “Do you think the reason we’re bickering so much lately is because my hormones might be making me overreact?” His response was such an unqualified and enthusiastic yes that for a minute there I thought he’d decided to take up ballet—such was the bounce in his step and high-flying leap to foregone conclusions. Right then and there I knew it had to be something else. Like maybe he was the one in a bad mood?
However, like so many of us, I am given to self-analysis; so, just in case, I called my gynecologist to ask if the recent adjustment to my bioidentical hormone formula (a mix of progesterone, testosterone and estrogen) might be the culprit. The immediate and empathetic response was, Why, yes. “Listen,” the office nurse said, “If you’re feeling like a bitch, there’s no reason you should suffer. We can definitely experiment with a different mix.” While I was happy to know they were so open, somehow I still wasn’t sure it was all me. Since I had just paid 50 bucks for this new mix, I told her I’d stay with it until the end of the month, just to be sure, before trying something else. And I’m glad I did, because one week later, when my husband and I were well past that dark abyss known as the communication vortex we all fall into with various people in our lives, I queried him.
“So, I’m not sure about changing my bioidentical hormones; do you think we were both in our own respective funks for the last two weeks?”
“Maybe,” he said meekly.
“You were in a cranky mood, too, weren’t you?”
“Yes,” he agreed.
At that point, I, too, might have been mistaken for a leaping ballerina had I reacted the way I wanted to. Which brings me to this week. Just two nights ago, for no earthly reason, I fell asleep thinking I love my life. Today? I feel positively evil. Is it because that computer tech guy kept me waiting 45 minutes, throwing a monkey wrench into my day’s schedule, then failed to apologize? Or, are my hormones making me overreact?
There’s so much stress in the world right now that I think we’re all collectively picking up on it—whether we realize it or not. And while I do believe the change is sometimes responsible for our mood swings, I hereby refuse to blame all my emotional responses on that well-worn excuse. Because it would mean that when I’m feeling happy and fulfilled, that that’s a lie, too.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Carine, I agree with you about not blaming our emotional swings on hormones. Yes, some moods may be menopausal, that can’t be denied, but I have always felt it a slippery slope when we blame negative things on being a woman. It’s just bad branding—to men especially. I do my best not to cry at work and I would never say I’m feeling hormonal or I have PMS symptoms (except to a girlfriend, co-worker). Those excuses just don’t fly and put or keep women in a place of “less than.” Your exchange with your husband also illustrates that it’s easy for men to hook on to that excuse in a shrug-their-shoulders kind of way. I always say we pay a price to be the superior sex, I’m kidding (well, kind of) but we are emotional beings, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
You are not alone. I have been going through the same, exact thing. These are strange times and to not pick up on that would be abnormal. Not to dismiss the impact of hormones, because, they do have an impact, it’s just really hard to get a grip right now, because there is nothing to grip onto. There is no center and the entire world is in the midst of a paradigm shift. You can blame it on hormones, but it’s a whole lot bigger than that and there is no getting around it. One thing you need to know — it’s not just you.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
I’ve been in the communication vortex with my gf for the last 24 hours. I have felt wrong, bad, hopeless, and wondered what the point was and is. Overly emotional, and emotionally dead almost simultaneously. And I imagine she has felt somewhat the same way. I don’t have a bioidentical hormone formula (wish I did, that or Xanax) so I am taking refuge in cinnamon toast.
March 20th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Clearly everyone has a point–Carine, Cathy and Rosemary are all correct. It is and isn’t hormones. It is and isn’t these strange and transformational times. It is and isn’t that we’re the superior gender.
And, may I chime in with my own is-and-isn’t: After age 50, we women are sick and tired of making nice-nice. With agreeing when really don’t; with saying, “No, it’s me,” when really it’s him (or her). With pretending that everything is okay or will work out–or my least favorite, “It’s all for the best.” Sometimes it doesn’t work out, it’s not okay, and for sure, it’s not for the best. And, I don’t mind saying so.
Yeah, it upsets the status quo and there will be hurt feelings and shocked faces when we are assertive and tell the truth. But the price we pay for silence, for making nice, for taking all the blame, is way too high.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Insightful stuff.
Be concerned and interested, but don’t overthink the stress and irritability. Stressing about stress can make us more stressful.
As Red Green(no offense)says, “We’re all in this together, and I’m pulling for you.”
March 21st, 2009 at 8:34 am
Personally, I’m tired of blaming my inability to control mood swings and irritability on turpitude. We, BOTH women and men, are our biology. That is not to say that we shouldn’t strive to overcome our hormonal changes or other physical challenges, which nearly everyone has to some degree at various times in our lives, but let’s stop beating ourselves (and one another) up for fluctuations in our bodily functions of which we may have only limited control.
Your last statement about wondering whether good moods are also a lie (assuming one is “taking something” to stabilize moods) is a question I’ve grappled with myself for many years. But if you changed your diet, or took a vacation on a tropical beach and you were suddenly in a better mood, would you consider that a lie, too? Our moods are the result of many things. Hormones are a HUGE part of that…I watched while my child underwent endocrine tests years ago through administering various hormones intravenously. He was only 9 years old, and he wasn’t faking anything. The medical technician warned me I might be unnerved by his reactions to each hormone. I saw him literally go from smiling to crying hysterically and back to laughing in a matter of seconds! If your bioidentical hormone cocktail is making you irritable, what are you trying to prove by not getting it adjusted? All medications have to be fine tuned to the individual. Why be a victim of hormone fluctuations if you don’t have to?
As for the state of the economy, that’s another issue entirely. If you are feeling “better,” you’ll be better able to look at that with a fresh perspective, as well.
And one final question, since I’ve been a feminist all my life: What makes you think your husband doesn’t have some physiological reason for being cranky? As for male hormones, don’t get me started on that one!
March 21st, 2009 at 9:00 am
Wonderful thought-provoking piece, Carine, and equally interesting and helpful comments. I have put my moods down to a diminished ability to suffer fools gladly. But that feels wrong because it lacks compassion and hints at my own insecurities. Reaching this age in my life, I find that I can draw upon lots of experience to recognize the things that are likely to upset me before they actually upset me. I also find that a smile goes a long way. Going to work the other morning I passed the gospel singer who serenades us in Skyway (a gerbil-type tube tracking through the downtown area that keeps Minnesotas sane in minus temperatures). He does not ask for money he just sings and as I a looked a him he said “Mornin’ girl, dont let anyone take away your joy today.” Good advice.
March 21st, 2009 at 9:18 am
Hey Carine–there’s plenty to make a person feel bitchy in our society, and being married is difficult work sometimes. And hormones are fuel to the fire. Maybe all of it is adding to your righteous voice.
I just wish that those thighs in the picture above were considered the beauty standard, and then maybe I’d feel less bitchy.
March 21st, 2009 at 10:31 am
Pardon the pun, but I think you’re on point with this observation. It cannot ALWAYS be hormones!!!!! The idea that we can blame something/someone else for things (for which we should take responsibility) – just had to take the time to use proper grammar – is so “now”. Thanks for the thought.
March 21st, 2009 at 5:00 pm
To Iris:
My point was exactly that: I’m NOT a victim of hormone fluctuations, and that’s because I’m on those fabulous bioidentical hormones (you should’ve seen me without them!). I was correct in not changing the formula because I was feeling great before that little bout of bad mood, and since. Sometimes, a bad mood is just a bad mood. As for men and their hormones, I pray someone will start doing studies on them soon!
March 25th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
carine,
i really got a chuckle out of your article.
i truly feel that there are more than hormonic reasons for being bitchy…a LOT of them these days.
i question myself at times because of how i react to things that even mother theresa herself would bitch at.
your article made me feel ok again.
thanks.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Carine, I wonder how you found my present day picture taken so long ago as a ballerina, in my last life,
I never took hormones and so life for the last decade has been high and low. Thanks for the tip, I’ll have to ask about it.