Come Back Little Mojo
April 14, 2009, by Connie Stetson
What is it about the libido and midlife? Connie Stetson tells it like it is.
Okay ladies—as Joan Rivers would say, “Can we talk?” I’m going to go there—middle-aged SEX.
When I was young and juicy and single, I was really hot. I was a devotee. When I was in a relationship, I was a faithful and an enthusiastic lover. When I wasn’t committed, I was…let’s see…how did we say it back in the day? Hmmmm… oh yeah, “a good sport.” I couldn’t wait for that breathless, heart pounding, heightened moment of letting go and falling into a hot, steamy embrace.
I loved going out and meeting a new guy. I was a believer in the third date. Delaying, anticipating, teasing and finally releasing myself into that exquisite moment, well, I just looked forward to it so much. It never even occurred to me then, that I would ever feel differently. Yet, here I am at 57, in pretty good shape for an old broad, menopausal to be sure, and yet I almost never even think of SEX. I can’t believe it.
Not all of the older couples I know feel this way. I just had dinner with pals: he’s in his early 70’s, she’s in her 60’s, and they shared with me that they’re still hot after nearly 50 years of marriage. No Viagra or Cialis, just a little Internet porn and he’s good to go. I’m not sure what she’s doing, but, well, that’s her business.
Mind you, Pa and I do DO IT…now and then, once in awhile, and it’s always wonderful, and we always say we need to DO IT more often. But months can go by before either one of us says, “howzabout a little canoodling?” Then we put on Barry White, or Al Green, or Marvin Gaye (those guys always do the trick), light candles, get a little lit, and we get it on. But we have to make it happen and even then, we might say never mind, catch me in the morning (love that 36-hour window with the Cialis).
I’ve been with Lee now for 25 years, and of course, I love my husband and our marriage and the life we’ve created, more now than when we were new and horny. It is the single most important part of my life, but time has marched on and the hormonal flow has ebbed for us both, and we’re just not that into it these days. And really, we’re not that busy—we don’t have 9 to 5 jobs as an excuse, no kids, and the dogs don’t care—we have simply, limply, lost our Mojo. Who’d a thunk it?
Of course, this is all wrapped around our aging. He’s older than I and this started with him a while back. Then I entered menopause, and EGAD, all the desire just went out of me—there’s no fire in my fluff, no pep in my poonani. Okay, I do believe that this will pass, and I understand, as Dr. Phil likes to say, “you have to want to want to” and we do. We really do. We’ve promised to walk this road together. I do have an appointment coming up to talk with my doctor about bioidentical hormones. We’ll see if that puts the doowadiddy back in my wangdangdoodle.
I’ll be very interested to hear what all ya’ll are doing out there to keep that fire stoked. Does this happen in gay relationships? With people who aren’t married? Is this a challenge for everyone in our age bracket??? Can your Mojo come back? Me and Pa want to know.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:22 am
A little testosterone cream on a daily basis is helpful for wangdangdoodle maintenance!
April 14th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I don’t know what the answer is, Connie. But if the U.S. Govt were truly interested in supporting and defending marriage, wouldn’t it make sense to divert at least some of that $12 Billion we spend monthly in Iraq into a research fund aimed at rekindling the home fires? Truly, I would take anything–as long as it doesn’t cause cancer, brain damage, bad breath or obesity.
April 14th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Alert The Media! This is the same thing I wanted to know but was too embarrassed to ask. THANK YOU so much for putting it out there I want to know too!
April 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I so relate to this! A friend and biz acquaintance of mine once talked about how humans, like any other mammalian species, are ruled by our glands. This causes war and fixation on sex, among other things. We’d like to get esoteric about how different we are from the “lower animals,” but when the hormones wane, sex becomes more an option than a necessity. I was a hottie in the day, but I am actually relieved not to have sex as my central focus. Advertising tries to tell us there is something wrong with us if we’re not hot to the hearse … but when I heard Gloria Steinem (“the” Gloria of the women’s movement and Ms. Magazine fame) talk about how liberated she felt with menopause to loose the constant urge, it kind of came together for me. Frosting is great, but I’ll take the cake of happy marriage/partnership and the wisdom years!
April 14th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
Boy, oh boy. Great topic, Connie. I’ve been thinking about this stuff for a LONG time. So much so that last year I started work on a book about sexual passion; interviewed a bunch of women in all age ranges on the subject and the answer to your question is, as usual, all over the place. But the long and short of it is that yes, most women go through this (not as much for men, but their libido decreases, too); and yes, it’s possible to get the mojo back. The bad news? You have to work at it. But it’s not work as in hard labor. A different kind of work, they tell me…
April 14th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
As a single, unattached midlife woman I’ve noticed that the longer I go without SEX, the less I think about it. But I’ve always been that way. My most recent relationship was long distance, so it went the distance—the yearning did not wane. (He was also in his mid-fifties, healthy and zestful, and did not need the help of enhancement drugs.) The excitement was inherent in the anticipation, the appetizer of the long distance romance. Past long-term relationships went the way of ho-hum, as in I’d rather be doing something else instead of a roll in the hay. So as the other comments say, it’s about work and dedication. But aren’t most things that have a big payoff? I hope you get the Mojo payoff soon Connie.
April 15th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I changed my hormones and my libido went away. I felt much better overall, except for that so I let it go for a year. I mentioned it to my doctor when I went back for my next annual and she switched me to yet another hormone and, what do you know, it came back! Hurray! I felt better and was back in the mood. Don’t accept a loss of libido as part of aging process!
April 16th, 2009 at 4:14 am
Great topic. I’m 56, and I’ve tried it all, botanical creams, acupuncture, medicinal herbs, and more. Nothing works well. Friends say once it’s over, the libido comes back and I’m trusting that is true. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying my life for sure.
April 16th, 2009 at 7:09 am
I think like many things, it’s a very individual thing. If just (!) having a wonderful life together is good for you with the occasional wonderful sex thing, then is there anything wrong with that? Isn’t one of the nice things about getting older, letting go of some of the ’shoulds’ in our life? If it works for you, keep doing it, if it doesn’t, there are things you can try to put a little zip back in the bedroom
Personally, my libido is stronger than ever at 51. It helps that I have a man in my life who I’m very attracted to and he’s a very healthy 53 year old so we’re both rarin’ to go. If I were on my own, I probably wouldn’t think so much about it. But when I did, I would miss it.
April 16th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Can’t speak for the gay men but yes it happens to gay women, we have the same hormone loss after all. And then of course there is the “Lesbian bed death” syndrome but that’s another subject entirely. As with all the comments, distance, anticipation, working to keep it alive, all of that. I have one friend who says she didn’t know she even wanted sex until she and her partner got started. I kind of feel this way. Gotta make the time and give it the effort.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Up till now I’ve been anti hormone replacement and have been doing this whole menopause experience au natural. I can live with the hot flashes and the sleepless nights, the moodiness, the weight gain, (okay–the weight gain, not so much), but this lack of libido is the wake-up call to at least look into alternatives. My Dr’s appointment next week is to have a conversation about a little sumthin, sumthin in the hormone department (tho’ I absolutely will not take something that requires the torture of horses or some other unfortunate creature). I do so appreciate all y’all’s input, advice, and support. I’ll let you know what path I choose. Anybody who finds the magic elixir, please let us know. Many thanks.