Gray Matters
April 28, 2009, by Cathy Fischer
For Cathy Fischer, being post-chemotherapy is great, but soon she’ll need to make a choice about how she looks and how she might be perceived.
By now you probably know about Susan Boyle, the middle-aged television show contestant whose awkward and dowdy presence had the judges and studio audience of Britain’s Got Talent ready to laugh her off the stage. But when Susan Boyle began to sing, her matronly gray hair and bushy eyebrows disappeared and her enormous talent smacked everyone upside the head.
Like millions who’ve watched the video, I laughed, cried and cheered for the underdog. This real-life morality tale has people examining their own looksist and ageist stereotypes.
Now that I’m finished with chemotherapy, my hair is growing back—on my head, eyelashes, brows—and other places, I’m afraid. (Dang those mother pluckers!) My formerly bald pate is covered with hair soft as duck down, dark with smatterings of silver at the temples and marbled throughout. The Jane Fonda Klute wig I’ve been wearing will soon be a relic, so here I stand at the crossroads: go gray or say nay?
Some of my girlfriends are in the midst of the transition from being slaves to color to going “au natural.” These folks envy my fresh start, while others think I’ve gone mad.
My sister-in-law Ann thinks I should go back to being a highlighted brunette. “You don’t want to look like a grandma,” she said as she poured her third cup of Darjeeling.
“You don’t look like a grandma and you’re older,” I retorted, eyeing her perfect silky silver-haired bob.
Thoughtfully stirring her tea, she proclaimed, “I’m probably going to go platinum.” Then she reminded me of how my ever-attractive and stylish 86-year-old mother, who once was raven-haired, has become progressively more blonde.
I figure I have a few more weeks to make my decision. Here are some things I’m looking at:
I’m single and I tend to date guys that are younger. Not necessarily a preference, just a fact. No, I am not a cougar. (I believe cougars have to be a couple of decades older than their men to wear the prowling feline moniker.)
I’m employed in a young industry. What if I were to re-enter the job market or go freelance? I suppose I could color my hair then, but my photo is already in cyber-circulation. Just one Google search and I’d be outed.
I’d have to buy new makeup and clothes. Go ahead and call it silver, but we’re talking shades of gra-ay, my friends. Gray, that washout provocateur, shining light and shadow on eye pouches and blemishes. I doubt I could pull off the Eileen Fisher style: wild yet perfect gray hair blowing in the sea breeze, wearing linen and an “I’m-so-fresh-I-never–have-hot-flashes” look. My look would be more dukes of haggard.
(On that note, last year I was introduced to my thirty-something-year-old friend Angela’s new boyfriend. She later told him my age and apparently he was stunned. “She doesn’t look 50!” he remarked. “I thought she was a haggard 35.” That’s a compliment, right? Thanks dude.)
The recent New York Times Style article “Yes, Looks Do Matter” has scientists looking at the Susan Boyle story concluding that it matches up to the natural, survival instinct that has we humans using snap judgments to size up others.
Susan Fiske, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Princeton, states that AGE—not gender, ethnicity or race—is a stereotype that’s difficult to change. Older people are often seen as “harmless and useless” and age perception is “particularly sticky” she says.
If I go gray will I make a crack in the stereotype, or will I be seen as “harmless and useless”? Even Susan Boyle has had a makeover. Her hair is no longer wiry gray and she’s dressing with a bit more style.
I need to feel good about myself before I can change the world. As superficial as it may sound, maybe I look—therefore I feel—better as a brunette. I’m just not sure.
In a society where first impressions rule, can we change perception? What are your thoughts?
April 28th, 2009 at 7:48 am
Whatever you choose, you are beautiful, baby beautiful! But I do have to make a confession – just in the past couple of weeks a few gray hairs have made their appearance and I’ve been pulling them out as I find them! How long can I keep this up? I may soon be facing the same question. And it’s true for me too that hair color and identity are intertwined, yes, superficial as it may sound. But hey, what’s a little superficiality among women of substance? I’d like to think we’re allowed a little…
April 28th, 2009 at 8:18 am
I may be in the minority when compared to some of the self-centered, condescending members of my gender, but if a woman is beautiful, it doesn’t matter what color her hair is. Cathy, you have been beautiful for as long as I have known you. It wouldn’t matter if you were a brunette, silver haired or had purple spikes. You would even be beautiful if you were bald. Oh wait, you were bald…..AND you were beautiful. And always will be!
April 28th, 2009 at 8:27 am
As a fellow 50+ year old — often mistaken for a haggard 40 year old — I say do what makes you feel comfortable and happy. Happiness trumps hair color…you’ll look great either way!
April 28th, 2009 at 8:49 am
I love my gray/white hair much to the chagrin of my 83 year old mother who dyes her hair and has highlights put in. I am often thought of as my partner’s mother and the last time I went to the movies, I noticed that I was let in at the seniors’ price. On occasion I think of changing it but realize that I would be changing it for others, not for myself. We live in a society that equates gray hair with being old – that’s a fact. So au natural isn’t the easy choice but it’s the one that works for me.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:11 am
I had the “gift” of grey hair very early in life, started getting a shock of white hair in my late 20′s. I was working in a recording studio and dying my hair a different color every month, finally settling on a favorite, bodacious burgandy. I loved the feeling of change it brought, and I was told that I was one of the best advertisements for haircolor because I looked SO MUCH YOUNGER with it. That was before I was 30! I soon tired of the work and time that went into dyeing my hair. So now, I’ve let it go completely, and get more compliments than I ever did. Maybe I needed the character that age has given me to grow into my hair, but I don’t even think of dyeing it again, I really like the way it’s turned out. That being said, the most important thing is that you’re happy with whatever you choose. As you were beautiful when you were bald, not an easy thing to be, I can’t imagine you being anything but beautiful, and wearing any hair color with style and grace.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Are we not at an age where we say, Who cares what other people think? Yes, sometimes, most times, that’s exactly how I feel. Wendy, Karen and Rosemary are absolutely right, what makes you happy is what works. Ideally, what we present to others should not shade our perception of ourselves, but I’m a product of Madison Avenue brainwashing and growing up in L.A. certainly didn’t help. I love what Elizabeth says, “what’s a little superficiality among women of substance?”
Thanks for the votes of confidence and for those lovely complements too.
April 28th, 2009 at 9:41 am
I am truly a Pisces on this one, Cathy. One fish swimming upstream, the other down. However, I do agree with everyone here. Although you’ve always had a beautiful mane, it’s the face underneath the glossy locks and the spirit that inhabits you that light up a room. Whatever you decide, keep this in mind:life is full of things we easily can change–our hair style AND hair color are at the top of that list. Who says experimentation has to end at 30? (Not that anyone really ever said that…) I say try out everything until you find a look that satisfies you and makes you feel great.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:04 am
You have been so especially blessed by your gift and your recovery that you are in a place to set the standard, so it’s truly up to you to reflect your inner core. You are at an age to delight in the release from what others think, yet you seem to give alot of rationale about why you benefit from dying your hair, so it sounds like your choice is being made. As a fellow cancer survivor let me tell you that the silky, baby fine hair you’re getting now will not be the final say of how your hair will be. Mine was curly, but returned to straight again. It’s still thick, thankfully. But hair is a women’s crown and you’re decision will reflect whether you’re inner core or your conforming
issues is entirely yours, an expression of who you are. I agree that you find a look that satifies you and makes you feel good about yourself. Enjoy the journey! You ARE beautiful. You sing like an angel!
April 28th, 2009 at 10:13 am
The most beautiful thing about you and always has been, is your character. It’s not your hair that makes people gasp when you enter a room, luv. It’s that style and grace, and glowy good heart of yours. And–ALL of us are at our most gorgeous and compelling when we stand as our authentic selves. Black, red, brown, blonde, gray, or any combo, is just the topping on the pizza. And pizza is always good.
Of course, always go with what you like. We’ll all say, “Darling, you look fabulous!”
April 28th, 2009 at 10:38 am
Going through the graying hair transition–which I’ve written about a couple of times on this site–is tricky, and seems like it will continue to be tricky and time consuming until it gets to its final conclusion (whatever that will be). So, I’ve decided that the best thing for me to do is to take the course of action that freaks me out the least! In other words, I just don’t want to be freaked out when I look in the mirror, the operative word here being “I” not anyone else. So, do what you must–whatever it is–and then prepare to change your mind! You’re allowed!
April 28th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
My hairdresser loves the silver streaks in my hair and she’d probably kill me if I dyed it. But I have much the same wonderings as you’ve expressed. I colored my hair for a while, but it grows so fast that I’d have broken the bank with professional upkeep. And I did the at-home thing–have the dye-stained walls to show for it. Finally, I decided: who am I kidding…but still, I wonder.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Wendy, we must be twins. Same story here. Early grey=very sexy. Midlife grey not so much. At my families request I dyed my hair. It’s true blondes have fun, but I liked being a red-hed much better. I loved the attention and pure shock value however my hair didn’t. And, that’s what finally made my decision. Also, after I got a lymph note infection I learned how unhealthy hair dying can be so that really ended it.
I have a fairly young looking face with a shockingly grey mane of hair. I like the contradiction.
April 28th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
From the Sixty is the New . . . . I am so tired of hearing what we (women) must do to be attractive when it really boils down to how we feel about ourselves – not the hair color, the clothing, the makeup, toned arms, etc. I, who has done everything possible to change my appearance to look younger, didn’t put as much effort into changing my attitude and self awareness. Cathy, I have known you with short, long, medium length hair (Connie said you are still adorable with none), and its your strong, wise, go-for-it attitude that stays with me. Besides, what worth is a person to you who judges you by “looks” and not who you are as a person. As you have started with your blog, we all must fight to change how we feel about “appearance”.
April 28th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Cathy, I have never seen you look anything like haggard! You said you feel best as a brunette so go for it! It’s not superficial it’s about being yourself and doing whatever makes you happy, and you’re already challenging many stereotypes by doing just that. As far as challenging the gray is ‘harmless and useless’ stereotype – Wendy for one is doing a damn good job of that. I love both you guys for being true to yourselves!
April 28th, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@CuriousDina you bring up an important point about the toxicity of hair color. Just yesterday my cousin and I were talking about a new dye she’s using, one from the health food store (she looks great, by the way). So I went to the Skin Deep cosmetic safety database and we couldn’t find the brand (Tints of Nature) on the site, but I was able to check out the ingredients and they were pretty good. Then we looked up Clairol and others like it, and uh-oh, they ranked a 10 – 10 being most dangerous for cancer and other scary things like neurotoxicity and endocrine disruption. So staying gray might be the healthiest option, if I don’t I’m going to get Tints of Nature.
P.S. What amazing and supportive friends I have, and what smart and thoughtful readers. Thank you all for sharing your ideas. Whatever color my crown may or will be, I am one lucky gal.
April 28th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Cat-
I like when you change up your look. You keep me on my toes! I think you’d look cool with a shocking streak of gray–like Bonnie Raitt or Cruella DeVille!
If Tints of Nature can handle the challenge–do it. And take pics, please. I miss seeing your face (and head!).
April 29th, 2009 at 7:33 am
there is no one hotter, no one, than emmylou harris. check her hair color out.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Cat, whatever you decide I will support, BUT I can see you so well as a fab Silver Diva… and yes, you will always look mahvellous Dahling.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Doll, whatever decision you make your beauty will always shine through as will your reputation as an amazing woman whether out and about or in a professional capacity.xxoo
April 29th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Yessss! Emmylou Harris has a great look! I may take that on myself!
April 30th, 2009 at 5:32 am
How we look is a highly personal issue, and one of the gifts of midlife is feeling the freedom to make our own choices and enjoy them fully. While the natural look is gorgeous, I see no reason why a woman can’t have some fun with her hair and makeup, too. I see makeup and hair color as “decorative” — a way to have fun and experiment — as long as we don’t take it all too seriously.
April 30th, 2009 at 6:47 am
Here’s one instance where you really SHOULD create your own reality: it all depends on how it makes you feel. Today, gray might look unattractive, tomorrow, sexy. You get to decide. And once you know it is your choice, how others perceive that choice is much, much, much less significant.
May 1st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I hear you on working in a young industry with gray hair– It’s tough! And changing make-up and cloths is very expensive! But bless you for surviving treatment and still having your great sense of humor!!!! And, I know several women whose hair grew back after chemo a completely different color so for all you know, eventually your could be anything!!! Woo-hoo!
May 2nd, 2009 at 12:57 am
Loved your post on hair color. I’ve been natural for years (well I did bleach my mustache for awhile until I decided to be butch and go for a razor) and I have to say I’m proud of my gray. But I think whatever makes you feel like YOU is the way to go. Maybe you should try gray for a few weeks and all of those hot young guys looking for a cougar…er…I mean an older woman won’t be able to resist. I love you and your site!!!!
May 2nd, 2009 at 9:11 am
I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of all this “anti-ageing” stuff. It’s a little insulting. I say – do what you like – gray or not, you get to choose. As for me, I’m 56 and I not only color my hair but I highlight it, too. I do it for me. I applaud your choice.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:28 am
OMG! Cathy, not being prejudiced of course as I love you to life, your inner beauty outshines hair color. I think go with whatever makes you feel good. If it’s magenta then go magenta! I think we are so enlightened, that even when women now have crew cuts they can look absolutely beautiful. Case in point check out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qG2AEodlnR4
Fashion can be a political statement, as only we who came of age in the 70′s truly know. The funny thing is color is less important now then if your hair is curly or straight!
I love you and will think you are ravishing rainbow colors, curly, bald, or straight!
May 28th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Cathy, thanks for stopping by my blog–I’m glad I found my way here. Your writing is fabulous; I’m already a big fan. Prayers for your good health and positive vibes to you.
XOXO
August 31st, 2009 at 10:31 am
Cath,
Every time I have seen you over the years you have looked incredible. I say do what makes you feel good. You deserve it! It’s been a year or two since we have seen each other so send a photo once you decide.