Wondrous Women
May 7, 2009, by Connie Stetson
From myth-inspired creatures to male fantasies, Connie Stetson does a fly-by on female superheroes, bad girls and spies.
I had an interesting conversation with a girlfriend the other day about which secret agent vixen one would rather be, Honey West or Emma Peel. She declared herself to absolutely to be Mrs. Peel, (she loves those stiletto boots and that black vinyl cat suit, and who wouldn’t want to be Diana Rigg anyway?) where I am sure that on my very best days, I channel Honey West, who looked great in a sweater and, to me, simply looked more comfortable. And gee, I wish I’d a been born with that cool beauty mark. Thank you, Anne Francis.
This got me thinking about female superheroes, so I decided to do a little research. Now, Honey West and Mrs. Peel, along with Ellen Ripley, Lara Croft and Aeon Flux are not necessarily superheroes. They are exceedingly intelligent, fit, courageous, righteous, strong women, gifted by nature to kick ass. They use their natural born, God-given gifts—their wits, their sexuality, their physical prowess and their brains—to defeat evil and further the cause of justice and, of course, maintain the balance of power in a world gone mad.
A superhero is endowed with super powers like being able to control the elements, Isis and Storm are examples, or to leap tall buildings in a single bound like Supergirl, who is just Superman with a vagina. (Notice they wrote her as a girl and not a woman. Hmmm…). Or Wonder Woman, who could turn around really fast, run in boots and deflect bullets with her fabulous cuff bracelets; and what was her super power anyway?
I also researched female super villains and, as you can imagine, since men write most of this stuff, there are considerably more bad girls than good girls, who all have humongous boobs, waspy little waists, long legs and look smashing in leather or a bikini.
One of my favorites was Ursula Andress in Dr. No as Honey Ryder, who purred, “I put a black widow spider under his mosquito net, a female, and they’re the worst. It took him a whole week to die. Did I do wrong?” Loved it. Tributes must also go to Pussy Galore, the wicked queen from Sleeping Beauty, Morgan LeFay, Medusa, Mystique and all of those lethal, vicious vixens from Kill Bill 1 & 2: Black Mamba, Fer-de-lance, Viper and O-ren Ishii. If only they would’ve used their powers for good instead of evil.
I’ve often thought were I a superhero, I’d probably be The Incredible Expanding/Contracting Woman. Considering the weight I’ve lost and gained over the years it is clearly my super power. Now, if only I could harness it, train it, learn to unleash its mighty, mighty force, then I too could boldly enter the pantheon of Wonder Women. Right now, I think I’d really like a cookie.
May 7th, 2009 at 10:27 am
Even though I’m dark-haired, I relate more to Honey West then Emma Peel. Loved her style and her ocelot. As for Wonder Woman, I’m not much of a comic book reader, the 1970′s TV show is what I know. WW’s super powers included her super strength and the ability to “see” people’s thoughts, and then there was the fabulous tiara (who doesn’t love a tiara, with boomerang bling). Modeled after an educated woman during WWII, Wonder Woman was on the first cover of Ms. Magazine! In spite of the sexual fetish/fantasies of many a male comic book illustrator, she’s the one who stands out for me as a hero with smarts, strength and style. My super power? Probably my bionic booty. Think earthquakes.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Clearly Wonder Woman’s superpower was being a woman…which then makes us all wondrous for sure. Let us not forget Xena.
An amazon to reckon with. I like the contemplation of what is my superpower. I’ll have to get back to you.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
“…Wonder Woman, who could turn around really fast…”
Connie, you crack me up–again and again. Great blog. I like Catwoman. So good at making that wimpy batguy look wimpy. And I guess I’d have to choose Emma Peel on the cool factor alone. My bionic power? Super healer! I notice that I make people feel better just by listening to them.
May 7th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Wonder Woman trivia: she was the daughter of the Amazon Queen and fought for her right to take Major Lyle Wagner (what the hell was his name in the comics?) home in a shooting contest where she shot one of her sisters. (There’s a metaphor — or not really — for ya.) I tried to show my young daughters the t.v. show — which I loved and lived to watch when I was their age — and they were all “Why’s she wearing a bathing suit?”
Medusa trivia: she was just so pretty (with fabulous hair) that Poseidon raped her in Athena’s temple, causing Athena to turn her into a monster, so she’s a victim of sexual assault. But… before we condemn Perseus too harshly, by bringing the head to Medusa to Polydectes, he saved his mother, Danae, from a forced marriage…
May 7th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Connie, baby, your superpower is your killer style. You’ve turned me into an avid follower with that lightning wit, and actually you have one up on Wonder Woman because you do it without those big damned cuffs. EAT THE COOKIE! ~”Mrs. Peel”
May 7th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Ah, the amazing, elegant Emma Peel! Thanks for bringing back a great memory of a wonderful show and role model. When I was in high school, a friend told me I reminded him of Emma Peel, and I don’t think I’ve ever been as genuinely flattered. She was strong, interesting, smart, witty, and totally adventurous.
May 7th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Cindy–I’d a made out with him big time, maybe even a little over the sweater action. Clearly, he was mad about you.
May 7th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Have you ever removed a splinter from the sole of a screaming, writhing child’s foot–by yourself?
Have you ever come home from work dead tired, yet still whipped up a nutritious meal for four, helped reluctant kids with homework, run baths, read storybooks and folded laundry before taking the time to remove your work clothes and make-up?
Have you ever managed the mundane tasks of everyday life while one of those perimenopausal periods (that makes the floodwaters of Hurricane Katrina seem tame) rages in your nether-regions?
If male superheroes could do any one of these tasks, they’d be on the list of their super powers along with leaping over tall buildings with a single bound.
Let’s face it. We ARE the super-gender. We don’t need skin-tight leather pants, bodacious boobs or a snappy cape to kick ass. We do the impossible and the uncomfortable every day–naturally, instinctively and without a lot of fanfare.
May 7th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Well…..since she went to school in Scottsdale, Az, as I did…Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter) gets my vote…….How cool would it be to fly in an invisible plane!!!! As for “Bad Girls”? Has to be Glenn Close’s character in Fatal Attraction….to quote Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle……”That movie scared the crap out of every man in America”!!!!! She was definitely the “Baddest” ever!
May 8th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Glenn Close wasn’t a super-villaness–she was just bat-shit crazy….
May 10th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Conz, Old Bean, you are in the pantheon of Super Women, you only have to read your contributions to this blog. Where your mind can go definitely displays super powers. You may me remember my first “super woman”, Honor Blackman. She wasn’t scared of anything, not even being cast in a bad TV show.
May 11th, 2009 at 8:40 am
…And she had the dubious “Honor” of being Pussy Galore. JEEZ! Although I did love the way Sean Connery said “Pusshy”….