Friend Request
July 9, 2009, by Prudence Baird
Prudence Baird reflects on midlife connections in the age of social media.
I know why baby boomers are joining Facebook faster than Bernie Madoff’s victims are moving in with their adult children.
We’re not done yet. We’re not done dominating popular culture as defined by our presence in the media, including the “social media” like Facebook and MySpace.
We’re not done with—even though we’ve long exceeded—our 15 minutes of fame. Each. We’re not done prancing in the spotlight—even if for some of us, it’s our first time.
Anyone can reinvent herself on Facebook, showing up (or off) with great photos, sparkling witticisms and 916 friends under her belt. (Apparently, there’s an unwritten Facebook rule that states “she with the most friends wins.”)
If people I don’t even know are requesting me as their friend, (and they are), I’m thinking they’ll ask anyone. This isn’t a self put-down. I just find it weird that acquaintances of friends who are already orbiting at the outermost periphery of my life—and whom I’ll never meet—want me as their Facebook friend.
My favorite friend request was from a 24-year-old dude from L.A. who wrote as his interest, “Meeting ladies.” I guess that includes me—although he’s three decades younger and I’m married. He wasn’t specific, after all.
Another person called me—on my land line no less—and asked, “If I request you as my friend, will you say ‘yes?’” (Note to self: ditch the land line.)
Isn’t the whole point—to keep communication on the Web? What happens on the Web, stays on the Web? Evidently, not in the case of Facebook, which is the virtual equivalent of junior high school, complete with all the same rejection and self-doubt that accompanied that horrid three-year stint in hell.
This is our last chance to grab the attention of others who may not have spent five minutes with us in real life. This is our last chance to feel good about our public personas, to reweave our life’s story as something other than chopping wood and carrying water for 50-plus years.
But, we risk becoming that old man on the park bench who will bore anyone who sits down next to him with the details of his mundane life; an old geezer who is afraid if he finishes telling his story, he will cease to exist. No audience means no pulse.
We boomers can’t help ourselves. The anonymous life is not for us. We want to remain the all-powerful force behind the curtain, still pulling the strings, controlling the lights and the fog machine. Never mind that—like the Great and Powerful Oz—we’re shrinking in stature, perhaps a little hard of hearing and a bit arthritic. Not to mention, we’re not all that interesting.
Still, we flaunt our accomplishments; show our best faces, post our kids’ pictures, our reading lists, promote our causes, our whatever.
And we collect friends, some of whom we even know.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I really enjoy your writing, Prudence. Carry on.
July 9th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Facebook…. argh. Give me a cup of tea or a walk with a friend any day.
July 9th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Hmmmm.
I love being able to put up what I want and let my friends choose what part of me they want to focus on. . .I love catching up with old friends. . .I love deepening relationships with new friends peripherally. . .and I also love walking with the friends physically close by on a daily basis.
Your writing always inspires smiles and thought!
July 9th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Real friendship requires work and care like a garden. I’m sooo not into this “hey look at me” form of communication. And you damn kids, get off my lawn!
July 9th, 2009 at 8:46 am
I’m with Julie. I got on Facebook at the invitation of a 12 year old friend. I am honored that she wants to communicate with me and share her stories, pictures, foibles and thoughts
(she regularly “un-friends” and “friends” her Mother. Facebook is her form of communication. I don’t collect friends. And I have hidden people who post more than I care to read. I have found it to be a fun new mode of daily connection with people. I still write letters. Also if you take a week or a month’s worth of your own posts its an interesting view…
I figure one of the ways I won’t become the old geezer on the bench is by staying current. I don’t want to harumph at new forms of communication I’d rather embrace the best parts of them because they will keep changing. My grandmother, at 88 went out and bought herself a computer and taught herself how to email just to stay in the game. I guess its genetic.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:05 am
I’m a Facebook convert, not so I can reinvent myself with a carefully controlled image presentation, but for the connecting and reconnecting opportunities it provides us boomers. I like the chance to be more social than I am in real life. I loved it when I hit 50 Facebook “friends” and that my 50th friend was an 82-year-old friend whose daughter put her Facebook! My 21-year-old daughter has 600-some friends. I’ll never be THAT social.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I love the feelings this blog arouses as FB continues to confound me. Sometimes, it brings me joy; other times I find that hours have passed and all I’ve done is read about what is on other peoples’ minds, look at other people’s pictures, and comment on other people’s lives.
However, I am learning that FB can heal, as well.
Months ago, I gently inquired of my son if he would respond affirmatively to a “friend request” from me. I received a resounding “NO WAY!” as the response. Imagine my surprise and delight when my 16-year-old son sent me a friend request this summer. After all the bitter complaining I’ve done about how he never talks to me anymore because he has so many FB obligations (aka “friends”), I find that I am, at long last, one of them. Now, I must decide whether to eat my words with salt and pepper, sugar or plain.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Yesterday I got a reminder email that 27 friend requests were still awaiting my response. Sigh. I haven’t got a clue as to who some of these people are, and some of them are people I love. I just don’t have the time to deal with it. I originally put myself on FB because everyone said I should, that it would be good for business. Then I started getting the friend requests. Why do I have to enter a registration and password in order to respond to what amounts to an email? So, I took down my profile. Then someone responding to a job posting I had placed for a model sent me her FB page for me to see what she looked like, so I had to reactivate the thing. And now I have 27 friend requests. Sigh. Everyone gets to read my innermost thoughts, opinions and rants through my blogs (in all their spare time), which in my book, already makes me hip to new technology. Can I get a FB pass, please?
July 9th, 2009 at 11:49 am
There is yet another not-to-be-overlooked component to the Facebook Frenzy: marketing and promotion. I am friends with a number of fantastic non-profit organizations and have friends who promote ideas, activism and products vis-a-vis social media. The junior high nature of Facebook is going corporate and gratefully, has a activist component. Think about Twitter and the recent uprising in Iran.
So even though Facebook, Twitter et al are verging on neurotic, there are uses for social media that are exciting and enormously helpful. I kind of love it.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:54 am
P.S. I joined Facebook to keep an eye on my daughter — gratefully, I got her to “friend” me early on. It takes a miracle to get a teenager to “friend” a parent: dearpru is right to rejoice. Once again, a sign from the heavens that although our teenage children disparage us, every now and then there is a break in the clouds.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
On at least three different occasions, I’ve been with my friends sharing a great meal, glass of wine, cup of coffee… when suddenly they turn to me and say… “hey, how come you’re not my friend?… I invited you.”
….. Ugg. I’m with you Prudence.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
I have not joined facebook and hopefully I never will. E-mail is bad enough of a distraction. I don’t even have time to read fifty is the new….
Let kids have their space. Now that corporate america and parents have invaded facebook kids will leave to find something cool again. Corporate america and parents are definitely not cool. Accept it. Why would you want to eavesdrop on your kids’ social networking? My daughter left her facebook page open on our computer’s history last year and I was depressed for days with this hollowed out feeling in the pit of my stomach. No thank you.
July 9th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
A respectful response: I’m all for allowing kids and parents their space. However, anyone who has had to deal with having a child bullied online or inappropriately stalked by a “friend” would most like argue for a little careful, unobtrusive monitoring online or otherwise. Forbidding social networking is dumb and ignoring the dangers is even dumber.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
fantastic subject prudence! i kinda feel like i shouldn’t be on THIS blog b/c i’m not even 40 yet, but i REALLY enjoy the wisdom and humor that you fantastic women bring to the table. i have to admit that i love facebook. even with it’s downfalls. you just have to learn how to navigate it (which is pretty damn easy). i have been able to reconnect with SO many people that i have wanted to connect with for years and couldn’t find. it’s been incredibly healing to have an old lover “friend” me and then apologize for being a jerk. thank you very much, close THAT case. and THAT one… it’s true that it can get out of hand for the teenagers and young adults. there are many things you have to be careful with – but that is true with anything on the web (and teenagers
. and, connie, i wish i had more time to hang out with you in real time. maybe if you were my fb friend, we’d be able to keep up with each others ‘details’. 
July 10th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I’ve been on Facebook for about two years now. An early adopter for the over 50 set, I did it for work. I still think of it as my work account, thus I don’t put that much personal info, photos or the like. I agree with Rosemary, the FB fan groups for non-profits, causes or good social documentaries are a fantastic way to learn and support good causes. Seeing what friends are following, like-minded folks, and experiencing great links to articles and such—that’s what I use Facebook for.
When it comes to social media, I think one has to set boundaries. We are not teenagers and we don’t have to “tell all”. I have no problem ignoring a friend request. And as far as “friending” the younger folk, I feel honored to be my 20-yr-old niece’s friend, but frankly, I prefer not to look at what she’s up to, but have her tell me in person.
July 14th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Because of Cathy’s article last year, I joined Facebook, even though I never thought I would. It allows me to stay in touch with my children, since they don’t always return calls or emails. But I am most thankful for Facebook in that, I have been reconnected with someone I hadn’t seen in almost 40 years. We will be married Saturday July 18th. Thank you Facebook.
July 14th, 2009 at 7:22 am
Jeff, your story is one of my favorite Facebook tales and just one of the wondrous, positive ripples from the splash—that pebble in the water, that is Fifty is the New… Congrats for jumping in Jeff, I’m thrilled it worked out so well. Yay!
July 14th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
All who think that Mark Zuckerberg (CEO and cofounder of FB) should offer pay for Jeff and his bride’s month-long honeymoon on the Greek island of their choice say “aye.”
July 14th, 2009 at 10:18 pm
dearpru, I say “aye aye” to the honeymoon plan. Zuckerberg (who is all of 25 years old) has a $6.5 billion company. I recently read that Facebook is valued higher than CBS, Discovery Communications and Macy’s. So a month-long honeymoon with private yacht and crew should be just a drop in the bucket. Now that’s what I call “friend”ly.
July 16th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Thanks for the idea and support Prudence. Where is the petition? Even if he can’t ante up for the honeymoon, I’ll gladly accept the cash equivilent!
July 16th, 2009 at 7:26 am
And if you didn’t believe in Fairy Tales or Love Stories before, read our Facebook story on our wedding website http://www.ewedding.com/sites/merrittshaw/
You may change your mind.
Thanks to all of the bloggers of Fiftyisthenew……you played a huge part in this miracle!