A Scary Proposition
July 21, 2009, by Carine Fabius
The strange behavior of some so-called “close friends” has Carine Fabius rethinking the concept.
A very close friend of mine vanished out of my life without so much as a goodbye. That experience forever seared its mark into my “open to all newcomers” disposition. Another intimate of mine decided after 15 years that she no longer wanted to be friends, but she refused to tell me why. She tried the silent treatment, but I kept hounding her until she finally sent me a cryptic email that said, “Give me some time to sort it out.” That was in 2002. I stopped waiting a long time ago.
A woman I was friends with went through a difficult time, economically, and no matter how much I helped (by referring business contacts her way) it was never enough, and she never stopped reminding me of it. I walked away from her, but I let her know why.
Another friend of mine and I had an argument, which brought certain things to light that made me uncomfortable. I realized we were not a good fit for the “close friends” category. She disagrees with me.
Three very special friends of mine moved out of my geographic sphere. I miss their nearby presence even though we no longer made time to connect on that every other day or once-a-week basis that is the hallmark of what I consider to be a close relationship.
My sweet and still very close friend recently went through a tough time and for a good chunk of it became essentially unavailable. I swallowed hard and asked myself, What did you expect?
If I had to come up with the requirements needed to have a friendship that falls into the “close” or that silly word, “best” category, I would have to say “hard work” right alongside “effortless.”
By any definition, I am blessed with loads of people who I love dearly and who feel the same way toward me; but that “close friend” classification is one I look upon with a guarded eye. Thinking about it kind of gives me the willies.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:34 am
Two New Years’ ago, I made a resolution: “I will only spend time with people who love, support, and ‘get’ me.” Support, in this case, was not about money; It was about being present. As a result, I began to notice how many of my relationships were based on my being there for them…their problems etc., but them not able to be there for me or mine. It was painful to let go, but I did. One by one, relationships that, upon examination, were too lopsided (with me carrying the water, so to speak) dropped away. At first, it was painful. But, after some time, it was freeing. As a result, I had time in my life for some new people and have since developed some friendships that I might otherwise have missed out on. And I feel better too. Naturally, I’m moving with more caution, watching for the red flags of “me-ism.” But, I’ve been pleasantly surprised.
July 21st, 2009 at 8:52 am
I haven’t used the term ‘best’ in a long time. It’s feels a bit awkward even juvenile somehow at this stage in my life. I love my friends period and wouldn’t set one apart….
As I journey towards staying present in the moment and practice staying attentive to the needs of others I realize some friends are better at friendship than others but I am grateful to have them. And I would rather focus on being a better friend myself.
I think using the term BEST is a bit like the word LOVE. Its easy to say and can get used for the wrong reasons. I would rather someone say my friend is the best because she…..or I love it when you…..
laura
July 21st, 2009 at 9:07 am
Carine–long ago I made up a little saying that has worked for me as a talisman against the toxic, the needy, and the passive/aggressive. “No more wounded sparrows.” All of us need our friends to rally around us with their undivided attention from time to time, but I’ve learned to shun the chronic. I had a girlfriend who would call me, desperate, at anytime, day or night. I thought she really needed me so I stuck it out. When I finally asked her not to call at 3AM anymore, she simply moved on and abused someone else. Didn’t need me at all come to find out, only an audience.
And maybe, you’re just subconsciously thinning out the tree so that all that’s left is the best. Ya know?
July 21st, 2009 at 10:19 am
In Greece we say “you can see a friend when it gets difficult” i stick to that and my friends and me, we know if we don’t see, or hear much of each other we are well and when we actually meet or hear from each other we are so happy to be friends and we show it. If it gets difficult we are there for each other!
July 21st, 2009 at 10:57 am
Carine, I think your friend “picker” has been out of whack. You are so fabulous and cool that everybody wants to be your friend. I guess you’re learning to be more choosy.
I have about five or six “best” friends. They are truly the “best” and have been there for me, sometimes more and sometimes less. I’ve only had a couple of so-called “friends” who have dropped off with no reason that I know of. I found it frustrating, but let it slide. I’ve had others who I’ve lost touch with and ten years later, shazzam! the cosmos have reunited us and it seems like we didn’t miss a beat. I consider you one of the “best” because that’s a term I’m comfortable with, and comfort is key when it comes to friends.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Yes, all of those things have happened to me too. At this point the title of “best friend” resides with my husband and daughters who truly are my best friends now. My girl friends are more concerned with their own lives than mine. And, maybe that’s just the way it’s supposed to be. Having that special someone that you love more than life itself who loves you the same way. Whether that’s your parent, best girlfriend, your spouse, child, dog, etc. Or as someone said recently, their imaginary friend.
July 22nd, 2009 at 7:19 am
If you turn to television to find out what friendship between two or more women looks like, you will see backstabbing, gossiping, ridiculing, tearful apologies, air kissing, hysteria, hugging-followed-by-backstabbing, confidences and secrets shared with impunity, jealousies, pettiness, competitiveness and, if possible, worse. No wonder American women have such a hard time being friends. And P.S., a lot of these “scripts” we model ourselves after are written by men.
I don’t know what the answer is, Carine, but it certainly isn’t found on television.
July 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 am
I’m new to your site but enjoyed reading your two last posts. I have very little family and the ones I have except my daughter are just f**ked up. Over the years, I’ve been so blessed with friends but it seems as I age they just keep slip sliding away.
Betrayals, different interests, always one-sided friendship on my part.
I long to have some really good girlfriends who get me and who I get. There for each other through thick and thin.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:40 am
Thanks for all your comments. I knew I wasn’t alone out there, navigating the friendship waves. I’ve definitely become more cautious, but good friends, like good wine, must be savored and appreciated…and I do love my girlfriends! Can’t imagine life without them! But when I do allow myself to go down that imaginary route, I know I’d survive, too.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:13 am
This post threw me for a loop. I have so many scars from significant others of all stripes–girlfriends, best friends, boyfriends, husbands…not to mention the most dangerous beast of all, family. Maybe the whole exercise of being human is to survive these relationships and make it into our 50s, when our hormones calm down (or cease altogether) so we can get some perspective from a non-competitive point of view. Then, and only then, can we reach out a hand in true friendship, and mentor those younger than us who are in the throes of petty jealousies, competitive contests for absurd rewards like money and men’s attention, and my personal favorite, “who is the prettiest and most popular?”
July 29th, 2009 at 8:17 am
Like Cathy I am comfortable with the term “Best” but it is applied to many not just one. Overall what I am finding in these years works best for me (no pun intended) is acceptance. While I have boundaries, I am more accepting of where people are at given points in their lives – sometimes very present, sometimes not. My friends are sometimes stalwart sometimes stealth but always steady.
March 22nd, 2010 at 2:30 pm
“Another friend of mine and I had an argument, which brought certain things to light that made me uncomfortable. I realized we were not a good fit for the “close friends” category. She disagrees with me.”
I had a similar situation with my ‘best’ friend. I realized she and I were not compatible as best friends, and needed to distance myself from her. She took my issues to mean we just shouldn’t be friends, period. So much for being a valued friend. And yet I discovered, through the same situation that brought to light so many problems with her, that everyone else in my life is much more ‘there’ for me than she ever was.