It Could Happen To You
February 2, 2010, by Prudence Baird
Falling by Tom Bagshaw
Like a sign post that screams Watch Out!, Prudence zooms in on one of midlife’s challenges.
Falling. It happens to the best of us. One minute you are putting one foot in front of the other, and the next you’re on your ass. Or your face—with absolutely no idea how you got there so fast.
When young, falling is funny; slapstick even. Occasionally falling is painful, but having friends sign your cast or getting out of P.E. makes it all worthwhile. In fact, there’s a notorious t-shirt that mocks falling:
“I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.”
Ha-ha. Try that at age 54.
This brings me to the other morning when I heard a crashing and thrashing sound coming from the bathroom.
I put down my cup of Fogbuster coffee and tiptoe to the bathroom door. “Honey?” I can hear the shower running; otherwise silence.
After a moment, I hear an aggrieved voice calling, “Could you come in here?”
Anyone who has ever driven with my husband knows how hard it is for him to ask for help. So, with trepidation, I open the door, letting out a cloud of steam, instantly fogging up my glasses and plastering my bangs to my forehead.
I peer through the warm mist. The shower curtain rod is at a 45 degree angle. The curtain lays half-in, half-out of the tub, efficiently detouring a cascade of hot water onto the floor, where it pools around the space heater. Not good.
And straight from Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis, protruding from the tub are several long, pink waving limbs of some giant thing, looking for all the world like Kafka’s poor traveling salesman Gregor Samsa, who awoke one morning to find himself transformed into a giant cockroach. I cannot even tell if there four legs or six.
I turn off the shower, the fog rushes to fill the rest of the house, and I see there are four limbs—two arms, two legs—attached to a very pissed-off spouse who has slipped and fallen in the shower. Which, I recall in a moment of non-sequitoritis, is exactly how Katherine Graham, publisher of The Washington Post died.
I know my husband isn’t dead, because he has that look on his face which says, “I am trying hard to figure out how this is all your fault.” But, because he must rely on me to get out, he shelves this thought as I offer him my arm—and a towel.
According to the Centers for Disease Control, 16,000 Americans die each year from falling—many of those in the bathtub—making falling the second riskiest activity of daily life, sandwiched between number one, getting out of bed, and number three, having sex. (Who knew so many people were having sex?)
Falling doesn’t merit a moment of thought until you either fall yourself or you care for an elderly parent who falls, which is karmic revenge for your naughty teenage years. And then, avoiding falling becomes all-consuming. Signs on bulletin boards for Tai Chi classes suddenly glow with meaning and you actually read those ads about walk-in bathtubs.
But, all this was far from my mind last week, as a new-fallen snow beckoned me—in my slippers—onto the front stoop to snap a photo of the front yard draped in sparking white. “This will look great on Facebook!” And that was my last thought before my elbow hit the cement.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:05 am
Wow, I’m really surprised. Getting out of bed is the riskiest activity, followed by falling? Don’t people fall out of bed, making getting out of bed #1? Then there’s sex. Whoever is on top falls on top of the other, once again proving that falling the number one risky activity. Risky business indeed! I’ve heard that weight bearing exercises help balance; I’ll try that so I can catch myself before I fall. Oh my, gravity really is our foe this time in life. Pru, the image of your husband’s Kafka-like waving–hysterical. Hope he’s ok. And you, be careful out there!
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:22 am
We used to fall down a lot and just spring up and carry on. What happened? I am cultivating the mental attitude of a ten year old. Fall down, go boom, get up, continue playing. After all at my age, senility isnt that far off.
Pru, I am so glad you survived extricating your husband from the bathtub. No that could have been really dangerous.
PS: I stopped admiring new snow here on northern plains about 2 weeks ago. Enough already.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:24 am
Tim? Are you alright? Tie your laces, don’t run with a popsicle stick in your mouth, don’t stick a fork in the toaster, and never, never shower with a banana peel.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:32 am
It’s never too soon to practice some balance and body awareness. Fit it into your daily schedule…while waiting or cooking practice balancing on one foot-but have something secure to hold onto. Though osteoporosis is responsible for bone loss and weakness, its the fall that breaks the hips, wrist etc…..so we have to try not to fall….unless its in Love!
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 am
Great that you were there to help him regain his balance.
Your Kafkaesque analogies are poignant. I myself, have
lived thru a bathroom fall. I was at a meditation retreat,
made it out of the bathroom,slipped and fell, landing on
my elbow!!! And so, we all know the maladies that follow
this humiliation….Bathmat, shower mat? Am I at the age I
need a bar installed in the shower? Yes, these mid-life
age questions are upon us!
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 am
I’m going out on a limb here: are the early 50s to early for a shower seat (and telephone showerhead) and a walker????
I’m pretty sure the answer is yes. But I’m thinking about it and if I said I wasn’t, I’d be lying.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:17 am
Remember, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” ? As long as we can still get up, that’s all that matters! Very funny post, Pru.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:17 am
And, I love that photo! She makes falling look fun!
February 2nd, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Oh this is hitting too close to home, typing as I am with my left hand (non-dominant) one fingered. Granted my fall was on skis, on top of powder,on top of ice, on top of a mogul on one of the steepest Mtns in North America so I guess one could say I was tempting fate. But I just don’t bounce like I used to, and now I am without an arm for 6 weeks. Developing an alternate side of my brain which I’m told will go some distance toward keeping dementia and alzheimers at bay. Some
consolation!
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Love the smile your end phrase brought.
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:37 pm
i did not fall. i was pushed.
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:45 pm
Let me clarify, Cathy. The CDC reports that 16,000 Americans die in falling accidents every year—and of that pool of fallers (is that a word?), most die falling out of bed or fall while getting out of bed. I never understood this until this year when I began to have balance issues due to a cyst on the arch of my foot. Landing on a cyst can send you reeling across the floor–and into a wall, which is somewhat harder than a human head. The second most common killer-fall is the shower/tub slip. The third most common way to die while falling is in flagrante delecto, which lends credence to the theory that doing it on balconies is more common than one would think.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Despite years and years of ballet and yoga, I’m the clumsiest person on the planet. I fall all the time–especially while hiking. Fortunately I never hurt myself and it’s a bit of a victory to bounce back up unscathed. Fingers crossed, though–I’m not getting any younger.
February 3rd, 2010 at 9:26 am
admit it, it was sexy finding me like that.
February 4th, 2010 at 10:41 am
Yup. Falling. Been there. Just last December… on the dance floor at a big LA Christmas Bash where I was trying to make a good impression so the company would hire my poor ass… but instead, I fell on it. Good to know I’m not alone.