Thoughts on Passion, Part 2
March 25, 2010, by Carine Fabius
Back in May, Carine Fabius posted a blog on Fifty is the New.. called “Thoughts on Passion”, which was an excerpt from her book-in-progress on the subject. The book is still in progress. Here’s another excerpt.
Having sludged through the molten lava of passion and survived, I continue to wonder about the mysterious ways of this disease. It invades the psyches of singles, divorcés and women in long-term relationships, making them question the compromise of magnificent love and searing sex for the security, affection, friendship, sweet love and good sex that comes with the passage of time (men do this too, but that’s another book).
So, I decided to go on a journey of discovery about passion. To probe our yearning to make peace with its fading, while insisting it stay as if it was our birthright. To discover why we hold onto the notion that an illusion might somehow take root, sprout leaves, and become a solid tree that keeps on blooming.
To get to the bottom of all this nonsense, I thought I should go to the source! No, not that strange and mysterious Creative Force, which seems to have hard-wired us to seek the unattainable. I mean all those smart women out there, who keep dissolving into pliable liquid wax once the heat of passion comes a callin’. I figured if I asked enough of them the same questions, I, and by extension, we, might come to a place of knowledge and understanding about that big WHY?
I asked each woman seven questions, and the results were strangely satisfying. It wasn’t like an individual realization by any one person turned my brown eyes blue with the weight of revelation. In many instances, it was one phrase or pithy insight revealed in an unusual context, the kind that gave me, not an AHA! moment of cosmic understanding, but one more head-cocking pause or spark of clarity. Average people say the most illuminating things. And illumination, no matter how permanent and transformational we wish it to be, is usually a quieter, slower, and subtler happening that chips away at the giant boulder of our convictions; or even better, the granite stuff that comes of experience.
Here’s a sampling of the answers I received to the question: On a scale of 1-10, how important is sex or passion to a relationship?
9 1/2
You don’t have sex with everybody. You can share all this stuff with a best friend, and have fun and intellectual stimulation, but, there’s a spiritual link between two people who decide to share their life together; and that’s one of the most sacred ways to show it, and to connect. (Lilac, 51, married)
About 9.999!
I love sex! But now with menopause and these hot flashes, it feels like it’s a bit of an imposition …
Does it bother you that you often feel that way about sex?
It does. (Jasmine, 52, married)
I think it’s a 5
Sex is important; but if it’s lousy, I would not stick around. If it’s bad, it’s not happening a second time. (Daisy, single, 35)
I don’t feel like it’s terribly important. Maybe I’d call it a 6.
But then again, that might be me being closed off and guarded. I know a lot of people would say it’s a 10, but I’m a lot more reserved about letting go, and being completely in the moment. I don’t like to be vulnerable to getting hurt. So far, it’s been working for me ‘cause I’ve never been devastated by a guy; but sadly, I feel like it’s hurt me in a way. (Violet, single, 25)
10!!!
(Marguerite, 49, married)
5
For my ex it was 10. If I felt loved and important to him, then I wanted to do it, but he just needed to do it because he’s a man. That’s one of the things we were always fighting over. (Orange Blossom, 32, divorced)
7
Bottom line is the friendship, not the passion. I think friendship leads to good sex. If you don’t have friendship, you have bad sex. (Tuberose, married, 47)
In response:
I don’t know about that. You can have zero friendship and have the best sex. (Lavender, divorced, 47)
What are your thoughts on passion?
March 25th, 2010 at 8:27 am
Well–I kinda wrote about this topic here, in “Come Back Little Mojo”. I’m at about a 5, I guess. Menopause has changed how I feel about my body, my life, and therefore, how I feel about sex. In my mind, I’d love to have that “swept away” feeling again, but I don’t feel motivated, twitchy to make that happen. My husband is in that same sort of ennui, so at least we’re not fighting about it. There is a feeling of loss, tho’. I guess we are in the process of creating a different kind of intimacy. A sweetness, I’d say. A deepening partnership. That’ll do for now. Thanks, Carine, for opening up a most important topic.
March 25th, 2010 at 8:39 am
Passion? Sex? Relationships? I know I’ve seen these words before but I can’t remember where…
; )
March 25th, 2010 at 8:37 pm
I had to laugh out loud when, right upfront, you refer to passion as a disease! Long after passion’s embers have turned to grey ash and drifted away, its calling card remains to remind us of that particular heart throb who is now only brought to mind by an occasional flare-up. (Not that I speak from experience, or anything.)
March 25th, 2010 at 8:49 pm
Whenever I am tempted to regret passion’s passing, I just meditate on the etymology of the word itself–from the Latin root “pati,” which mean “to suffer, to endure.” No thanks. Been there, done that. I’ll take the warm glow and security of friendship, championship, companionship and any other kinda ship (except worship, which tends to end badly).
March 26th, 2010 at 7:10 am
Passion is about the fire – fire in the belly, or fire in the loins. When lust is fresh, passion is strong. When I’m not in lust, love or heavy like, my passion flower blooms elsewhere (and it’s not always about sex). I think passion can ebb and flow, change and grow. It’s kind of like energy on steroids. When it kicks in, what a high!
March 27th, 2010 at 5:45 am
Older friends tell me that the passion comes back – but differently. At 57, I’m still waiting, adjusting to my body, my metabolism, my new journey. Can we re-define passion?
March 27th, 2010 at 7:47 am
This blog sent me down my lover memory lane. Just like the daffodils in the spring, as I strolled along I kept finding more. Was I an addict to the fire? Yessss! I have friends with benefits now rather than casual lovers. I think I agree with Cat, it ebbs, flows, changes as one’s needs change, but bottom line, I think I am going to hang on to my jones for a long time… and the memories are, well, sizzling.
March 27th, 2010 at 8:43 am
Carine, what a fabulous topic for all of us to ponder. I’ll
.
take 5 star sex anyday over an emotional realtionship. I
never wanted the traditional lifestyle, maybe it was the
’70’s. Sex and the City has nothing on you, honey
April 1st, 2010 at 1:37 pm
just read this….and just returned from a great weekend workshop on tantra yoga. passion is life force, connection with the divine in all it’s forms, which is to say LOVE. passion is aliveness and i’m never givin’ it up. check out this site for to learn more about tantra (which means the weaving of union)….www.sourcetantra.com
April 7th, 2010 at 9:05 am
Generally I think its overrated, not that Passion is not important but not anymore important than other qualities.(interesting, an adjective and a noun and really if you think about it a kind of verb). What I like about it is its usually unexpected and fleeting (see Pru’s post above).
May 9th, 2010 at 8:25 am
I have to revisit this topic, now that I am dating again.
. I said, “No thanks, my
The desire for 5 star sex, going on 57 is gone! YAY~
Recently, I was put to the test! The guy had a great vibe!
But, his idea of a date was to come to my place and order
in Chinese food…No kidding
space is sacred.” Then I bounced him. I was astonished
at myself for having not noticed the change. I was a cougar
once upon the time, just like a few of you and she was
tamed!