Missed Manners
April 7, 2010, by Cathy Fischer
Super hero comic by Jessica McLeod
For Cathy Fischer, rudeness rears its ugly head and in some of the most unlikely places
Have you noticed lately that rude behavior has reached epic proportions? While Dear Abby and Miss Manners may have upped their game (they’re online after all), rudeness is still rampant. In twenty-first century America, hectic lifestyles, fractured families and ever-present technologies have enabled abundant opportunity for unconscious behavior, and frankly, I’m sick of it!
Case in point: The other day I was coming home from a lovely walk. Tra la la, it’s spring and I am in a good mood! As I approach my building, I see “him”—let’s call him Nathan (because, that’s his name). Nathan is a skinny, pasty, nerdy guy, around 40-ish. His social skills are lacking. That doesn’t bother me, what does is that Nathan has BAD MANNERS, as illustrated by his next move. He steps up the pace and makes a beeline for the front door. I know he’s seen me, but he doesn’t acknowledge that, and he most certainly does not hold open the door; and then, like a mangy little squirrel, he scampers to the elevator, jumps in the moment it arrives, and makes sure the doors close before I can possibly stop him. His strategy works, and I am left in the dust of his scampering nerdiness. I am aghast!
Yo Nate! Did your mother raise you that way?
Nathan’s is just one of the many examples of selfish behavior that’s wreaking havoc in America today. From loud cell phone talkers to inconsiderate drivers, teenagers texting at the dinner table to spoiled whining kids… I could go on and on.
The worst culprits of rudeness, however, are adults behaving badly. Take politicians, for example. Are they not supposed to be shining examples of decorum and proper behavior? So what’s up with those Tourette’s-like outbursts? And in the hallowed halls of Congress no less. “You lie!” (Rep. Joe Wilson). “Baby-killer!” (Rep. Randy Neugebauer). They leave me shaking my head in disbelief. Then there’s the tantrum throwing. I can just imagine it: John McCain, red faced, arms crossed, lips pursed, “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year!” He stomps his foot and grabs his big bouncy ball. He’s going home! So there!!
Yo politicians! Did your mothers raise you that way?
Here’s what Miss Manners has to say about people behaving badly: “Etiquette doesn’t have the great sanctions that the law has. But the main sanction we do have is in not dealing with these people and isolating them because their behavior is unbearable.” Ahh yes, if only we could isolate those “unbearable” men and women, those politicians who masquerade as “compassionate adults” and under the guise of civil service.
Granted, I’m no Ms. Manners myself. I’ve been known to talk with my mouth full or interrupt conversation (a cultural specialty), but… when it comes to my fellow beings, humans and animals alike, I believe that small kindnesses go a long way. It is civility that keeps humans connected, linked to one another by common decency and respect. Acts of kindness make us better people. Remember the high school drivers’ education class motto, “Courtesy is contagious”? It’s true! I’ve experienced it time and time again. So Nathan, Joe, Randy and John, listen up, Courtesy is contagious! Put it into action. Make your mothers (and others) proud.
April 7th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I thank my Mother (who has been dead for 10 years) everyday for her focus on manners, table and otherwise. What I especially appreciate (on the rare occasion that they appear) is a handwritten thank you note. A handwritten anything for that matter.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:19 am
Mellimel, I agree. Handwritten anythings are awesome, especially in this time of electronic conveniences. For me, though, thank-you notes seem a bit formal. When I get them from close friends or family it feels a bit strange, but for the wider circle or professional relationships they are a timeless delight.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:35 am
I was shopping with a friend and a pregnant lady with a baby stroller came into view. I stopped, smiled, and held the door open for her. My friend went on and on about my “random act of kindness.” That was not a random act of kindness, that was good manners. A random act of kindness is paying someone’s check in a restaurant without them knowing, (which my husband and I have also done). It irks me that simple politeness is now equal to extraordinary generosity. I’d be ever so grateful if we could all lift our eyes off our iPhones, and just look around, be aware of the rest of the world milling about. Eye contact is a good thing. YOU are not the only one here. Thank you.
April 7th, 2010 at 11:15 am
Don’t get me started. A business contact sets up a phone meeting with me for 11AM and doesn’t call until 11:45 to say, “Can we do it another day?” Doesn’t even say I’m sorry. Meanwhile I’ve worked my schedule around to make sure I’m there at 11AM, when I could have been somewhere else. Shockingly enough, when he makes a date for a live person meeting, he shows up 45 minutes late. Except this time I’m expecting it so I’m not as pissed. Except that I was there on time to meet with him anyway. Lateness is my pet peeve.
April 8th, 2010 at 5:41 am
As usual, Cathy, you do the worthy work of opening a can of worms so that we can examine what most of us would rather not see, discuss or try to solve, so great is the magnitude of the worminess.
At the bottom of the can, however, is the ignoble truth that each and every one of us wants to ignore–that we all share a common humanity and are bonded, like it or not, for an incredibly short time together here on earth. When Nathan (who sounds a bit Aspie) refuses to hold the door for you, he is denying his own humanity and putting out a billboard for all the world to see that screams, “I am not worthy so I will refuse to make you worthy.” Ditto for Carine’s caller, who is probably wallowing in low self esteem and wishes for all the world she were as together a person as Carine is.
I don’t know what the answer is…or if there is one. A fish stinks from the head, and when you rightly point out how uncivil our “leaders” in Washington, D.C., have become, there is little hope that their constituents will rise above this level of discourteous discourse.
Lastly, may I say that I thank the universe every day for Barack and Michelle Obama, who have reset the Washington, D.C., bar for etiquette at a much higher level than their fake cowboy predecessor, known for chomping and spewing crumbs at state dinners, grabbing the shoulders of the German Chancellor for a quick and unsolicited back rub, and, perhaps the rudest of all, lying to start a war and enrich the coffers of his already Midas-wealthy and equally ill-mannered pals. And then leaving before even bothering to clean up his mess.
April 8th, 2010 at 8:27 am
Nate is a classic example of oppositional-defiance
disorder. I live in a condo, kinda swanky where
ev1 has this interpersonal behavior disorder. They are
better than you, do the opposite of what they know
is right and thrive on getting anyone’s goat. The remedy:
look the other way. Welcome to 2010!!! The people who
live and talk in their on private cell phone booth are also
clueless. My Mom taught me manners that make me the
national codependent insigna! I have hatched out survival
skills for the world around us. Thank God, I have risen
above it…All anyone of us can do is connect within.
April 8th, 2010 at 9:13 am
Wow. Both Louise and dearpru point out that Nathan probably has some type of “disorder” which makes me realize that my compassion compass is also a bit off. Manners and compassion go hand in hand. And Pru, you are right, I am just touching the surface. I could do an entire post about the Tea Party People and how racism is more than bad manners. There are many who “stink from the head” I can only hope to not be caught in the downwind. And yes, the Obamas display by example not only good manners, but class and style—and that smells really good!
April 10th, 2010 at 8:06 am
Hmmm, I think Nathan’s disorder may have another name, SDS, or Shrinking Dick Syndrome. The pettiness of his behaviour is one of the recognized signs. Cat, you really have opened up a topic for a national rant. When President Obama said to the waddling baggy-panted youth of America, “People don’t want to see your underwear and I am one of them,” I cheered. But then thought, have we lost our way as parents and caregivers for our children? Do we need a national Dad and Mum to show us adults how to behave? Well may be so. Tea Party people seem incredibly bad-mannered and, well, stupid. They get very excited over jingoistic political positions and thrill when the Republican Attack Kitten mews her one-liners and makes statements that do not survive even the lightest scrutiny for basis in fact. Senator McCain screwing up his face as he repeatedly throws all the toys out of his pram is a sight that would make our great statespersons of the past faint. I fear that the assault on civility will test us sorely in this mid-term election year. I can only hope that I am fast enough to hit the off button when I hear “Sarah Palin appeared….”
April 10th, 2010 at 8:14 am
PS: Dear Nathan, I realize how inconsiderate and rude it was of me to reveal your medical condition to the readers. I do sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness. We English are known for our manners (although with less good reason in recent years)and I feel I have let the side down. I can only hope that some good will come from this and you will receive the treatment you so need for your debilitating medical circumstance.
PPS: My Mum would be proud.
April 10th, 2010 at 8:52 am
PPPS: Dear Ms. Palin, I am sorry that my civility has been so sorely tested that I have resorted to inappropriate name-calling. I apologize. You are, of course, a tiger. I wish you well in your public endeavours and hope you will reserve the recognition you so richly deserve.
April 10th, 2010 at 9:06 am
PPPPS: Dear Mr. McCain, I… whatever.
April 10th, 2010 at 10:30 am
Christie, you are hysterical! It seems as though the Motherland is providing the USA with some good nutritional guidance. Between you and Jamie Oliver, the Brits have got how to eat and what to eat covered. Ms. Palin, Mr. McCain and Nathan — digest this! Oh and cover your mouth when you burp.
April 12th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
I hear you, but I myself would be happy enough if people would not litter (teenagers are atrocious) and would not scream into their phones in public places.
(And who knows, Nat’s mom might not have told him. I’m noticing a lot of parents don’t dare tell their kids to behave…)
April 13th, 2010 at 10:50 am
i think nathan is in love with you.
April 27th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
I think Tim might be right. Nathan’s either shy–or playing very hard to get