Sex and Politics, the TV Show

The Debates: (L-R) Nick Clegg, David Cameron, Gordon Brown

From “Bigotgate” to shades of Kennedy/Nixon, Christie Healey gives the play-by-play on the recent UK elections

As I sat eating my breakfast this morning, I thought of Mr. Brown. Gordon Brown, a man whose brilliant background in accountancy could not save him from miscalculation of the odds. I imagined him at the 10 Downing Street breakfast table last Friday, the eviction notice hovering in his mind. He must have thought, “Where did I go wrong? He waited years for this gig, suffering in silence while Tony bounced all over the world like Tigger only to be given the old heave ho at the first opportunity.

The last two weeks of the adorably short UK general election campaign have been nothing less than stunning. The changes for Mr. Brown were foretold upon England’s foray into that most American of primetime shows, “The Debates”. Our brusque-toned dour Scot was pitted against the Liberal Democrats’ youthful and articulate leader, Nick Clegg, who puffed deep breaths of fresh air into the stale clichés of British politics. Even the Conservatives’ front man, an urbane and typically toffee-nosed type, managed to look like one of the stars of Mad Men compared to the rumpled, haggard Mr. B.

More modern communication curses were heaped upon Brown’s brow when he learned first hand that an open mic is also deadly weapon. The press-op teatime with Mrs. Duffy, loyal Labour Party housewife, seemed to start out pleasantly, but seizing her righteous 15 minutes she launched into a racist rant against immigrants. Mr. B tried to soothe her with mumbled purrs of campaign speak. On the way back to the car, the real Gordy emerged and he entered into a rant of his own, calling Mrs. Duffy a bigoted woman and heaping scorn upon his handlers, with the mic still clipped to his lapel in the “on” position. The listening press corps experienced mass spontaneous orgasm over “Bigotgate”.

The election resulted in a hung parliament because the magic number of seats that any party has to attain is 326. Despite the expected resurgence of the Conservatives they only got 306, Labour squeaked out 258, the LibDems have 57. Which means that Labour and the Conservatives must woo the LibDems to reach the winning number. Whoever gets to first base with Nick Clegg will be Prime Minister in a coalition government. The LibDems are usually more attracted to the brawny workers of the Labour Party, but that cunning little minx leader of theirs decided to go all the way with Conservative David Cameron who has just become England’s youngest Prime Minister. This is getting more and more like an episode of Mad Men!

In England we say we elect the party, not the person. If you believe that, then I have some amazing old Houses on the banks of the Thames to sell you. Judging from the press reports, no one was prepared for how Kennedy/Nixon the debates were destined to become. Obviously, we do now care very much about the person. Not that an Armani suit, a good haircut and some subtle face-lifting would have saved our single-malt Scot. His fate was sealed with his belief that he was entitled to the job. Note to John McCain: call Gordon, he needs you.

Britain has turned a corner in its political history. There may even be a change in the “first past the post” system to proportional representation. But, if the British political movie-of-the-week becomes an American long-running series, the British public may demand cancellation of the show. By the way, the election may have to be held again later this year and I can’t wait for the new season of Britain’s Got Political Talent. Maybe Simon Cowell will preside over the contestants as they primp and charm their way to victory and who knows, the Labour Party version of Susan Boyle may appear on our screens.

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