Belonging & Heartache
May 26, 2010, by Melissa Howden
Melissa’s love story continues…
A few week’s ago, my dear friend Lu sent me the card above. She is one of the few people in my life who still sends actual mail and I love her for that. This particular card has been sitting on my desk as a daily reminder.
I suppose the card’s message is always an important one, but for me it is particularly timely and this is also an especially difficult blog post to write. For those of you who have been following us here, you may remember the essence of my post CHANGE: From the Files of “Be Careful What You Wish For” and “Never Say Never”— essentially a love letter to one with whom I had fallen in love. The same one I changed my life for, my “last great love”.
New love is so alluring, folded as it is into hope, delight and discovery. As a then 51-year-old, it also caught me completely by surprise. I am not an impetuous person, but in this case, in middle age, it seemed dangerous to waste time, and so we didn’t. But as with many great loves, the ending is not always happy, and I am sad to report here that we are no longer. I have not wanted to write this not only because it is sad, but also because I feel embarrassed that I put this love out in public and have seemingly failed so miserably. Also it’s hard to put something, anything, out there when I feel as I do that my guts are being ripped out.
But here is the truth and the reason why I decided to just send this into the Blogosphere, it is never a failure to take a chance on love. I believe this in each and every cell of my body. Someone showed up, (a beautiful, funny, smart, dear, extremely complex and challenging woman), and I recognized her as someone I was meant to spend my life with. Now I see that the “life” part was maybe not it, but the “recognition”, unmistakable as it was, cannot be dismissed. Maybe sometime in the future I will understand what and who we were to each other, or maybe I won’t. But I do know I have loved her with all my might. And sometimes love is simply not enough. And now we are done, and what I thought was my future, isn’t.
I am working double-time to avoid the slippery slope of recrimination and blame. It would be very easy to go there, to engage in the hurtful, acted out on Facebook, but better not to, even when I might believe I have been wronged. More damaging still is the tendency toward self-blame, doubt and despair.
Given that I believe everything in the universe is consciousness expressed in different forms, or as in quantum physics, everything is a form of energy, I know that words have indelible power, a power to destroy and a power to create and uplift. So as I begin to gather the pieces of myself splayed about, I avoid reading the hurtful—and I also do not send it or speak it, to my beloved or to myself. I have many fears and anxieties, and for the moment deep sadness is a given. However, hard as it is to choose otherwise, I am opting for other language. Instead of a mantra of “I am sad, or lonely, scared and hurt”, I listen and repeat after young Jessica as seen here (sent to me by my friend Denise). May Jessica, and indeed all of us always know the power of the words, “I like” and “I love” and where and to whom we belong, no matter the inevitable heartbreak on the road.
Repeat after me, “Life is good, I am healthy, I am smart, I am courageous, I am happy, I am good…I am!”
May 26th, 2010 at 6:29 am
Loss in middle age is so rarely written about and, after reading this touching piece, now I know why. The speed at which time whizzes by makes love and partnership seem crucial for so many reasons, including to protect us against the unknown aspects of what lies ahead.
Perhaps the fear of going ahead in life as one after being one-half can be mitigated by discovering the many wonderful, kind and creative people you know are also traveling solo on the same (or parallel) road(s) with you. And some of them are in exactly the same place as you; licking their wounds from lost love and relationships that could have been.
Give yourself time, Melissa. Reach out to others as you are doing with this painfully honest essay, and keep up the affirmations…all will be well in time. You have every quality possible to ensure love will be drawn to you.
May 26th, 2010 at 7:33 am
You did the right thing, Melissa. You followed your heart in and you followed your heart out. That is more than many people have ever done in one entire lifetime…so in a way your experience would have been a lifelong one to someone else.
Your newly cracked open heart will lead you where you need to go. Hearts rarely err.
Rebecca
May 26th, 2010 at 7:54 am
Not sure I can handle these comments. Already I am wondering if it is possible to die from crying. Ironic message today from my former love saying how strange it is to read about the demise of our relationship in a Blog. I had to reply with how strange and hurtful it was to have the relationship end via an email. Ahhh the electronic age.
May 26th, 2010 at 8:24 am
It’s easy to show up when things are going good but not so easy when they’re not. I have known you a long time and I marvel at how you show up – even when things are difficult. You wear your heart on your sleeve and you’re brave enough to show us the scars. It is from you that I learn so much. You’re not afraid to show us who you are. I know you to be one of the most generous people I have ever met and anyone who doesn’t recognize that in you, doesn’t deserve to have you.
So, my friend, just know that even in your most challenging times you teach the rest of us how to live and love fully and honestly. You are truly my hero.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Thank you sharing this, Melissa. As much as it hurt to put all your thoughts on “paper” (ah, the electronic age!), you’ve gifted us with your experience and the wisdom that evolved from it.
Peace to you during this time. Using the words my mother always expressed to comfort me, “This, too, shall pass”. And it will.
May 26th, 2010 at 9:35 am
Dear Melissa,
Now that one of my favorite and often repeated love quote “better to have loved …….” has become micro waved into the equivalent of a Desperate Housewife episode. I now favor “You wake up, you show up’
I admire you for waking up and showing up, everything else is mashed potatoes and gravy.
Love, Connie
I’m also fond of the more elegant,
“Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there”
Otomo No Yakamochi
&
“I’d rather be an old fool in love than a scared dumbass by myself”
Connie Palmore
May 26th, 2010 at 10:09 am
Melissa, I marvel at how you live life to the fullest. You are brave and adventurous. Bless you for taking risks and opening your heart, even if it results in being cracked wide open. You also wrote a post about surrender not too long ago, while that was inspired by a physical break, this too seems like surrender to me, wrapped around heartbreak this time. For you to have found and experienced love in midlife is truly a wonder, I’m sure you will do it again. But for now, know that you are loved and respected by many and we are here to help you heal.
May 26th, 2010 at 10:58 am
M -
This was a very moving piece and I’m glad you’re able to still recall those first months of the newness. That’s the best part to hold on to and hopefully it makes you smile when you think about it. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, but you put yourself out there and gave it a chance, for which many sadly fail to do. I still remember the look on your face after you met her and how it turned you into such a girly girl. That’s fun and fun is what keeps us all young. Cheers!
May 26th, 2010 at 11:03 am
Melissa, you have a magnificent heart, bruised but not broken, sweet girl. Breathe and heal, your tears will wash you clean, and you will love again. Whatever can stop that force? I’m sending my big love straight to your heart.
May 26th, 2010 at 11:42 am
The only thing I have to take issue with is your “last great love” pronouncement. It’s never too late for new love. And, some wise person somewhere said that it is possible, indeed, even common to have more than one soulmate in one’s life.
Another thought: I recently had a bad head cold; and rather than go with feeling pissed off or upset about having to deal with that awful blown-up head feeling, I decided to REALLY get into it. To feel it completely. Observe how it felt. I can’t say it felt good, but it was the most interesting experience of a cold I ever had. Plus it vanished in 3 days instead of the usual 7-10. Feel your tears. Feel the hurt. Feel your breaking heart. Observe the sensations. They are fascinating–kind of like a science project. Plus it keeps you busy! I hereby predict that once your eyes are totally dry–even though this may take a while–the next true love will be so much easier to spot.
Sending you laser-like loving and healing thoughts.
May 26th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
Yes…the last great love was in quotes. It is what I truly believed at the time. Now its all devolved into a mess of hurt and misunderstanding. As for getting into the feelings, I am pretty darn in them, don’t find them so interesting though. Rather debilitating and well we’ve all been through it.
May 26th, 2010 at 2:44 pm
as Dr Seuss says…”Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” my grandmother always told me that pain always has a gift in it’s hands.You are very special and loved by many.
May 27th, 2010 at 6:36 am
Sweet Melissa, your huge heart has always inspired me. I think it must have become so big because you keep filling it with love. I had the privilege of participating in a lovefest the like of which I do not think I will ever see again when we celebrated your birthday in New Mexico. You cause love to infuse your world. When you sing “What I Did For Love” what an anthem of life that will be, and I’ll be right there backing you up. XXX
May 27th, 2010 at 8:46 am
as zen master rabbi leonard cohen says:
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
hang in there.
May 27th, 2010 at 11:20 am
Dear Melissa,
You left out one other trait on your “I am List”….you need to add, “I am wise”.
Embracing and sharing with us, your lost love in this poignant yet pragmatic observation, is an authentic act of “living in the moment”,….. tasting, and experiencing, all the flavors life has to offer…sweet, sour, bitter salty…it all adds up to a satisfactory feast.
thank you for sharing…it validates our hunger and hope for a full life.
yours, janice
May 28th, 2010 at 9:03 pm
Mel–
What came to mind was a story Pema Chodron told in the intro to one of her
books–I think it was “When Things Fall Apart” (!!!). My paraphrasing: It was
when her husband told her (they were living in Taos(!) at the time) that he was
leaving her for another woman. Pema said, “I leaned over and picked up a rock
and threw it at him. . .”
You’ve gifted everyone in the sharing of the raw and the real of your experience.
My heart is with you–
Much love–
Lu
May 29th, 2010 at 10:43 am
And…I am human. Thich Nat Hahn says to write the letter
but don’t send it. Good advice if one listens.
I sent it. The writing was cathartic, and even the
content had some merit but the form and the
proximity of the “send” button regrettable.
Thank you one and all for your thoughts
and wishes.
May 31st, 2010 at 6:36 am
Courage is our sister and kindness is our spirit. Taking the high
raod is so self-empowering. I feel your pain and I also live in it.
Hug yourself and know that you are great!
May 31st, 2010 at 6:37 am
BTW, I write on an Apple. It f—cks up all my messages. lol
July 13th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
Hi,
Are you the Melissa Howden who directed an indie film called “Miss Clairol”? If so, HI!! I did the costumes for you. Just googling to see if I could find the film anywhere online…I never did actually get to see it. I found Marga on facebook so it reminded me about it. Hope I have the right person and that all is good with you. I have a B&B in Cambria now, no more film work for me. If there is any way to get a copy of the film, I’d love to see it. Thanks,
Victoria