Coming of Age: It Takes a Village
July 7, 2010, by Cathy Fischer
Cathy ponders the question, “What did you wish you had been told when you were 12 years old?”
Lovely Lily, my best friend Leslie’s daughter, turns 12 and becomes a Bat Mitzvah this weekend. The Bat Mitzvah (Bar Mitzvah for boys) is a Jewish rite of passage. The classic joke goes something like this: A Bar Mitzvah boy stands at the podium having just recited a passage from the Torah, he begins his speech, “Today I’m a man. Tomorrow I go back to the 8th grade.”
To paraphrase the description from Temple Bet Alef:
The Bar and Bat Mitzvah represents a coming of age for a Jewish young person. On a physical level, it represents the age when young bodies become capable of reproduction and young people need to become responsible in a fuller way for their behavior in the world. On a mental and emotional level, it reflects entering the transition period between childhood and adulthood. On a spiritual level, the young person begins to reflect on the Torah’s teachings in regards to their own identity and journey.
To celebrate Lily’s milestone, I have been invited to partake in a tradition new to me, but grounded in ancient ritual—the “Women’s Circle”. Comprised of Lily’s mother’s friends and relatives, the discussion zeros in on this one question:
“What did you wish you had been told when you were 12 years old?”
The adults talk to one another, and the student is invited to listen and ask questions. A candle burns throughout the ceremony, symbolizing the Light of Awareness, the Light of Life. At the conclusion, everyone hugs the Bat Mitzvah girl, gives an enthusiastic “Mazel Tov” and it’s time for a snack! (But, of course… what’s a Jewish occasion without food?)
This beautiful idea, the women’s circle, has me thinking: What do I wish I had been told back then, when hormones were starting to percolate and Barbie dolls were making way for making out? To get in the mood, I thought back to the 6th grade. Someone wise once said, everything you need to know you learned in kindergarten, well, I added a few years (circa 1968) and here’s what I recall.
When I was 12, I knew…
That playing, reading, dancing, singing and loving The Monkees (especially Davey Jones) was more joyful than just about anything else.
That kissing a boy was fun and going steady was exciting, but not that much fun.
That stealing was wrong, but slipping quarters out of mom’s purse wasn’t quite as wrong. (Penny candy on me!)
That the day I got my braces, I would stop sucking my thumb.
That rushing to grow up was truly a waste of time.
And this I knew for sure…that 12-years-old was…old!
What did I wish I had been told when I was 12 years old? What might I tell Lily?
That love is the most important thing of all.
That putting yourself in someone’s shoes means compassion, and kindness and compassion are priceless.
That girls and women need to stand up and be smart, loud and proud!
That magazines and advertisements use airbrushing; no one’s body is perfect.
That listening to your inner voice will become easier over time.
That you’ll be thankful if you wash your face daily, use sunscreen and stay active.
That life can be difficult, but we make it through.
I clearly remember being told by an elderly neighbor, sitting on her front porch, “Smile when you say hello.” That simple bit of advice has served me well, and philosophers like Thich Nhat Hanh agree. Hopefully Lily will be smiling as we share our woman’s “wisdom” with her.
I ask you, dear reader, to choose a line from my list above or answer the question in your own words:
What would you tell your 12-year-old self?
July 7th, 2010 at 6:54 am
Your voice & your opinion, matter. Being different in style, looks and approach is actually a really good thing.
I really wish I had had a Women’s circle and a Bat Mitzvah!
July 7th, 2010 at 7:13 am
Great post, Cathy. It was the perfect thing to reflect upon on the subway this morning. Collect them and write a book! Here are mine:
Do one thing that you’re afraid of every day. One day you’ll wake up to discover that you are more fearless and brave than you ever imagined.
Don’t let what you can’t do get in the way of what you can do. There is always someone who will do the math for you.
Of course getting someone to do the math requires my final aphorism. Be kind to geeks and nerds. One day they will be doing your math.
July 7th, 2010 at 8:06 am
Keep an open mind, but not so open that all your brains fall out.
July 7th, 2010 at 8:40 am
My daughter is 14, almost 15 and she is already smarter than I ever was! Honestly, I’m sure people told me all kinds of fabulous things. Did I listen? You know the answer
Cathy, I love this entry and here’s what I would tell my 12 year old self: even though it’s hard, TRY and listen to all the great advice people are going to give you.
I’m passing this along to my daughter. We’ll see!
July 7th, 2010 at 10:46 am
Oh–and how about, DON’T EVER mistake great sex for great love. I wish someone had run that pearl of wisdom by me….
July 7th, 2010 at 10:57 am
Hello All,
Lily’s mom Leslie here…..
Thank you for all the amazing beauty you are writing.
I’m printing every word for Lily’s memory book and for the great wisdom that you offer.
What I will share with Lily and with the women’s circle tomorrow night is that it’s common and normal to some extent to be experiencing some self criticism and doubt as you begin your teen years.
Rather than keep all these feeling inside, it would have been helpful to have been guided to methods and techniques to build an internal health relationship with myself.
Knowing about meditation, chanting and yoga, even if I wouldn’t have been ready to dive in quite yet, would have been a blessing.
July 7th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
Hmmmmm….now that I am older (and alledgedly wiser) I wish I knew then that my Dad was smarter that I thought he was……I know I was smarter than my kids…..some day they will think the same! Advice is only good when it suits you!!!
July 7th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
That friendly, smiley guy leaning something hard on your hand as you hold the pole in the subway is not being friendly. He’s being a pervert and it’s okay to embarrass him by asking what he’s doing in a really loud voice.
July 7th, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Don’t confuse age with maturity. Don’t compare yourself negatively with anyone else. Do experience and share love every day. Do risk embarrassment.
Thought provoking post Clever Cat.
July 7th, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Wow,such pearls, such wisdom, such a mitzvah for our Lily.
… Mel, a Jewish woman can have a Bat Mitzvah at any age, a non-Jew can create her own women’s circle and ceremony. Christie, it is so thought-provoking isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll be thinking about it for days like I have. Rosemary, I don’t know if Lily will take it all in, we’ll see. I’ll report back next week. Thanks all! Keep ‘em coming!
July 7th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Egads, Cathy. What a thought-provoking post! You really know how to get the old hard-disc in my head spinning. I concur with Rosemary in that, no matter what pearls of wisdom are dropped into a 12-year-old’s ears, rare is the girl who can recognize their value. You took your neighbor’s wisdom to heart, Cathy, and I still remember the first time I met you and your 1,000 watt smile as you greeted me.
I guess that I wish someone I respected and admired at age 12 (Davey Jones, most likely) had told me how fast life goes, and while you can waste your child-bearing years pining after rock ‘n’ roll bad boys–or teen vampires, as it is today–the boys and girls worth spending a lifetime with are those who love and respect their families, are involved with their communities and care deeply for animals and this fragile planet we live on together.
July 9th, 2010 at 7:55 pm
What a great post. Forget the question part, I just wish my mother, her friends, my grandmother, my aunts, my sisters and my friends had an opportunity to sit together to talk openly and honestly. What a beautiful occasion-one that your young Bat Mizvah girl will never forget.