It’s All About The Peenie

July 7, 2011, by Connie Stetson

From humor to infidelity, Connie gets beneath the fig leaf for this investigative report

One of my favorite jokes goes something like this:

God pulls Adam to his side and says, “My son, my Creation, I have good news and bad news for you.” Adam lifts his countenance upon his heavenly father and says, “Lord? What’s the good news? The Lord says unto Adam, “I have blessed you, my Son, with both a brain and a penis.” Adam is grateful and with great awe says unto his Maker, “So, what’s the bad news?” The Lord responds, “Sadly, I could only manage to give you enough blood supply to work one thing at a time.”

I love this joke. I’d stroke it even further by saying God then tempted Adam by putting his penis on the outside of his body, close to his hand, then told him not to touch it and spill his seed. Talk about forbidden fruit. That God. What a kidder.

My good pal, Joann, whenever we’re all together and the subject turns to the differences between men and women, as it frequently will, wags her index finger above her head and states, emphatically, “It’s all about the peenie!” And given the most recent exposé regarding all things Weiner, (I wouldn’t want it said that because I’m a Democrat I’m soft on Weiner), I’m inclined to aver that she’s spot on. To be fair, if my sex organs were right in front of me every time I looked down, and had the magnificent hydraulics our brothers have, I guess I’d be equally stupefied, mesmerized, and enchanted by my own junk. But Egad, boys, is it really such a narcotic that touching it, getting it touched, talking about it, and taking pictures of it, (most women would never think to tweet their twats), is worth risking your job, your family, and more, your self-respect?

As yet another male politician, this time not a Republican, bites the rhetorical weenie, I’m left simply baffled. What are they thinking? That they won’t get caught, or maybe it’s more thrilling to think they will? Or maybe the little head just has a louder voice than the big head. Bringing to mind one other joke:

“Why does the penis have a hole at the top of its head? So that men can stay open-minded.”

Too bad that punch line doesn’t work with the word “mindful”. As an aside—I think it’s very interesting that a man created the concept of “penis envy”. Freud’s theory that women secretly hate and envy men because of their penises is so far from reality, that it makes me wonder how many pictures Freud would have taken of his pecker if only he’d had the technology.

I have a friend who has a much-envied reputation of being fabulous in the sack. When I asked her what her secret was she confessed that she wasn’t doing anything special, she simply told all her lovers that they had big giant cocks. She said that seemed to do the trick. They kept coming back for more because it’s all about the freaking peenie. Weiner risked it all for getting his peenie freak on. Really? Are men seriously that uncomplicated? Well, I know where I’m landing on the question. What do you think?

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10 Responses to “It’s All About The Peenie”

  1. Alberto Escalante Says:

    Unfortunately its so true. Men often fall victim to their own urges and suppossed needs. But women are also just as capable or culpable of using sex to achieve their objective in fact if we realized and embraced the truth that women can be just as sexual as her male counterparts it would go a long way to liberating Men from the burden of believing they have some sort of God Given obligation to chastise and place severe and critical constraints on any women who dared to express or openly flaunt their sexuality calling them fallen,lascivious and libidinous wanton women. Whereas a man who does and acts in the exact same way is more apt to have his sexual prowess regaled and heralded rather than having such a harsh assesment cast upon him. All Hail the stupid Double Standard! Further proof we’re just a bunch of narcissistic and pretentious idiots who have nothing better to do than worry about what, and how their neighbors are doing “IT”. The sooner we get rid of all the Biblical and Victorian mores and taboo’s and all of our angst and guilt ridden feelings regarding our sexuality and we realize and we begin to deal with our primordial human urges and drives and quit trying to be so damn academic and categorical about it all, the better off we’ll be. Amen!

  2. Conz Says:

    Woohoo Alberto! Thanks for posting such an honest response.

  3. Carine Says:

    I’m with Alberto. The NYT Magazine’s most recent cover story was on infidelity, and there’s an author/expert/feminist quoted saying that throughout history, it was always somewhat accepted as inevitable that men would stray because of their penies and un-restrainable urges, and that the women’s movement, rather than fighting for the right to also follow their similarly un-restrainable urges (recent studies show that women stray just as much as men), demanded that men become more like them. In other words, hypocrites, when it comes to matters of sexual desires. Everyone needs to stop being so judgmental and admit that no one is perfect, and that most human beings find it very difficult to be monogamous for life. Let’s face it, ladies, if you’re not having an affair, at some point, you’ve been in one; was the “other woman”; or know plenty of women who’ve followed the irresistible crotch directive.

  4. Linda Says:

    This is an easy response – yes to Conz, right-on to Alberto, and Carine speaks for both sides of the story. I wholeheartedly agree that the Biblical and Victorian mores and taboos that should have disappeared long ago are the worst enemies of actually enjoying this simple and basic pleasure.

  5. christie Says:

    Provocative blog, Madame La Conz, which has elicited some equally provocative responses. I am reminded of a line in a documentary about marriage, one character said that “after forty years the line between monogamy and monotony begins to blur.” Can we all (men and women) get out of our mental crinolines? I am sure the heat in our knickers has lead most of us into situations that show little or no sense when we are called upon to explain; which we should never attempt because then we are left with latest version of the “Twinky Defense” Sexual addiction… and have seek “treatment.” Ha!

  6. Cathy Says:

    Great post Connie! And excellent thoughtful responses. I’m no scientist, but it seems to me that the “crotch directive” is more primal in the male, or perhaps more immediate. I would chalk it up to survival of the species. Now, what I really don’t understand is how Weiner had the time to photograph, upload, text, twit and flirt, when he’s a congressman for godsake! Cheating aside, where did he find the time? I guess that now he has lots of time on his hands, and you know what they say about idle hands…

  7. dearpru Says:

    Clearly the penis directive continues to poke its head into every aspect of our lives, but none so ridiculous as its intrusion into the world of politics, warfare and weaponry.

    Weiner is just the latest domino to fall in what seems a never-ending line-up of male politicians who seem to be wholly unaware that every time they stumble into dick-land, they waste taxpayer money and squander public trust.

    “I’ve got a bigger dick than my dad has,” is the implicit reason W took us into Iraq. This begs the question, however: Is it that W has a bigger dick or that he simply IS a bigger dick?

    And can we talk about how most weapons bear resemblance to the phallus? Whether sword, bazooka, canon or Colt 45, all share the telltale long, cylindrical shape and are merely a surrogate to the beloved peenie. Men talk about their weapons so intimately, too. “You’ll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands.” Instead of the shudder this is supposed to send down my spine, all I can think of is, “Ewwww.”

    A wonderful blog, Connie, but one that just touched the tip of a discussion that could surely last all night long.

  8. Tubularsock Says:

    Great post. Thought this may enhance your position, Connie. The little dick syndrome and war.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-wTTZ-0Klk

  9. chuck m Says:

    “Peenie” rhymes with “teeny”, but it isn’t all that small

    We just wish it were; a simple case of Clit Envy, that’s all

  10. Conz Says:

    Ooh–Penile poetics. Perfect.

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