Social Studies in a Digital World
March 7, 2012, by Cathy Fischer
Cathy examines social interaction and social change in an ever-shifting landscape
Navigating the social graph is fraught with obstacles. If I were to draw a diagram, it would probably look something like a dream catcher with extra large holes. You’ve got your Real World Friends, and you’ve got your Facebook Friends: you’ve got your Facebook Friends who aren’t Real World Friends but work associates, your Facebook Friends who are old schoolmates, but not currently Real World Friends, and then you’ve got your Facebook Friends who are inspirational, famous or dead, who you wish could be your Real World Friends. It’s as exhausting as high school, navigating the world of cliques and mean girls.
There’s the challenge of manners. Coming of age during the analog era, we struggle with the social q’s of days gone by, when we were taught to bow at the Ferragomoed feet of Ann Landers. Antiquated behaviors such as handwritten notes and telephone calls still play a role—but less than ever before—and tangible treasures like love letters and birthday cards are fast becoming relics of the past.
In this transition period where Digital and Real Worlds collide, etiquette is still trying to catch up. What do you do, for instance, when you’re sitting across from someone at dinner and they’re texting or checking their phone? New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes says the non-engagers should excuse themselves, and only if it’s important. But does one say something to them? We’ve taken on a sense of urgency that is not only unrealistic but stress-inducing. How about those unflattering pictures someone posts of you on Facebook and then has the gall to tag them with your name? Stop already!
When I wrote about Facebook in “Technology: Blessing or Curse?” in 2008, it inspired my Real World Friend Jeff to sign up. He reconnected with a high school acquaintance and one wedding and a gaggle of grandchildren later—a la The Brady Bunch—he’s a very happy guy. But then there are the failed attempts to rekindle old flames and the friending/unfriending conundrum. Reunited, blighted, slighted. High school all over again.
I’ve always looked at the social network as the Push-Me-Pull-You creature from Dr. Doolittle. The majority of my Facebook Friends fall into the work category, so I’m often torn between what I perceive as two separate worlds.
Social networking done right requires lots of care and tending—that’s why Fifty is the New does not have a Facebook page. There’s no doubt that Facebook and Twitter are powerful tools for building audiences, fans, clients and converts. It has been a source of important and sometimes spirit-lifting information. It’s where I first found out about my childhood crush’s demise (RIP Davy Jones). It’s where I watched “Shit Yogis Say” which still makes me smile every time I think about it. It’s where outrage turned into action when Susan G Koman defunded Planned Parenthood and Rush Limbaugh spewed hate-mongering assaults at Sandra Fluke. It’s all there, the junk, the gems, the news, the breakthroughs and the TMI.
Recently, Israeli president Shimon Peres was in the Silicon Valley and made a stop at Facebook headquarters to launch his own page and drum up some business for his country. “Facebook introduced more social change than (any) political power,” he said. “Zuckerberg doesn’t have a party, doesn’t have a country, doesn’t have an army… He has an idea—that’s it. And look what he did. He changed the world.”
Egyptian Google employee Wael Ghonim sparked a revolution when he posted images of slain Khaled Said on Facebook. Twitter too was a major player in Egypt and Syria, and with Occupy and other movements. The world has been changed by people connected via social networks. As Tevye said in Fiddler on the Roof, “It’s a new world Golde.” It most certainly is.
Got any pet peeves regarding the collision of the digital and real world? How do you navigate the new social order?
March 7th, 2012 at 7:48 am
Thanks Cat for a thought provoking blog. Pet peeve? Yes!! People who check their email, answer email, text when you are in the middle of a social occasion, such as a two people having a coffee or drink. So damn rude and dismissive. I don’t say anything, I just get up and walk away because I they are boring me and, obviously, I am boring them.
March 7th, 2012 at 7:59 am
No work associates in my FB page. I think you
would have more FB fun if you had a work page
and a fun page. I keep a drawer or cards and stamps.
Nothing matches a handwritten Anything.
Love letters, ALWAYS. Both sent & received.
March 7th, 2012 at 9:05 am
I love my FB page where keeping in touch has become an art form. BUT–it does not take the place of real friendships in real time. And really, Christie, I absolutely think that people who bring their other “friends” to the table via technology, are more than rude. This self-importance of being so busy, so in demand, you have to answer your phone at the table or worse; my husband has heard guys (because, of course, they’re also loud) on their phones in the bathroom –EGAD! Just take a dump already. You’re not that special.
March 7th, 2012 at 9:11 am
Thanks, Cathy, for giving me pause and forcing me to think about what has become almost automatic for me–to check in with my facebook account first thing in the morning before I even know how I feel.
And if me, moi, a fast-approaching-sixty baby boomer is doing this, I can only imagine that millions of younger people around the globe are already wired-in or -up in as soon as their eyes pop open. Yikes.
Whatever happened to savoring a cup of tea while staring out the window at the migrating songbirds fluttering around the bird feeder? These little messengers of winter’s passing are hard-wired to–once fed–continue their migration to their annual breeding grounds. They don’t concern themselves with social networking, accumulating friends, things or wealth. Yet they remind us all the same, of what is really important. I wonder…what am I gaining by fluttering around a computer monitor instead of being outside in this glorious near-spring day?
March 7th, 2012 at 10:21 am
…but they do twitter.
March 7th, 2012 at 10:38 am
I’m still a happy guy!!!…And the grandchildren count has gone from a gaggle to 7. Thanks Cat. You still get much of the credit for our reunion and marriage. AND…I don’t tweet or ever take my phone to the bathroom!!!
March 7th, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Mellimel, you may be old-fashioned (in a good way) when it comes to cards and letters, but you’re the only one of my Real World pals that’s a FB check-in person. You obviously straddle both worlds.
Beezersmom, I too am often guilty of hopping on the machine first thing, but I now make a conscious effort to smell the coffee and not greet the day with any screen, tv, phone, iPad or computer.
Jeff, I’m so happy you’re happy and will take credit for the nudge…
Connie and Christie, I’m with you, it’s just plain rude, I want eye contact and undivided attention if I’m sharing a meal with someone. Maybe we can come up with a snappy way to say hey, put down the phone.
March 7th, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I’m definitely not a Facebook Fan. Just don’t have the time. For those that do have the time it’s probably more productive than looking at the boob toob.
I prefer the in person friends.
Totally agree with the texting at the table thing – although I have been a culprit myself. So, I try to be understanding.
I so enjoy getting these blogs from you. When I read your writing I’m back in 8th grade.
Like everything else in life – there’s always going to be the good and the bad. Everyone needs to find their own comfort level. Mine is too full for Facebook.
I agree with Cathy. The farther I can get from Mean Girls the better!
I love you! You are the best writer I have ever met!
March 7th, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Being a FB user, I find myself wanting to click on a “like” button — and often. Pam, “love” what you wrote, you’re the best. HPAC 4 ever!
March 7th, 2012 at 5:20 pm
One of the most memorable business lunches I ever had was with a young, full-of-herself professional from a well-known Seattle-based company that was taking over the world in the early 90s. She spent the entire lunch on the phone, talking loudly while everyone in the restaurant gave me pitying glances.
I guess the only thing we can say about the “advancement” of hand-held computer devices (iPhones, BlackBerries, Androids, etc.) is that at least they are silent. And a lunch partner staring into her palm or with her eyes glued to the table while she thumbs through her messages is now de rigueur, as inconceivable as that may seem to those of us who remember etiquette and can also spell it.
Good blog, Cathy. And I’m with Pam. You da best!
March 7th, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Beautifully written blog, Cathy. You’re my most tuned in Real World friend, in terms of being up on what’s new and happening in the ever-leapfrogging tech world, and I’m so impressed. I wish I could be you! I have a FB page I never look at or engage with, except to post events or blogs, and I know I’m really out of it. I don’t watch any TV, and I know I missing out on some really good programming. I just can’t figure out where people find the time to do all this stuff! I’m a wannabe high tech girl who dares to believe that I will catch up one of these days. Can I go with you to SXSW next year?
March 7th, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Carine, that’s so funny! I always marvel how you get so much done. You write books and blogs, you run a cool gallery, a great business and you host many a soiree. Plus you manage to get in a nap from time to time. My job has given me the opportunity to stay on top of the tech stuff, but believe me it’s hard to keep up. Oh the astroturf, always greener on the other side.
March 7th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Great post Ms. Fischer. Did Ann Landers really wear Ferragamo? Seriously, it was a thoughtful post about how social media is changing our lives. I only write cards now on birthdays or for condolences. But I do still know the difference between a true friend, a digital hello friend (the equivalent of a Bronx nod acquaintance, whom one tosses one’s head to–in acknowledgement of their existence–but without stopping to say hello), and a digital stranger whose name I happen to know. Here’s to seeing, hugging, and enjoying one’s friend’s in person! Does that make me a boomer or a luddite or both?
March 8th, 2012 at 9:21 am
I think the thing that bothers me most about social media is the anonymity. It seems that some people hide behind their screen names and take the opportunity to be downright nasty to other people. Much has been said about the recent trend toward reluctance to take responsibility for one’s actions — I think the anonymity of communication-by-computer has a lot to do with that. Personally, I use Facebook as an easy way to coordinate my volunteer work in Greyhound adoption. It’s also a great way to get current pictures of my grandchildren. Many people, however, seem to use it as a way to attack others without having to face the consequences of such behavior.
Whatever happened to “if you can’t say it to my face, don’t say it at all?”
March 8th, 2012 at 9:58 am
I know friends who live on their computers, in a world called “Second Life”. I know folks who spend their whole day on FB, and think they have friends and a social life. I know family members who come to visit me in a very beautiful place on the planet, and play games on their “awesome” iPhone. I know I can’t change them, nor the times, but I can do something that has always served me well: I can drop out. I no longer wonder why most people don’t have any social skills, nor any idea how rude they are acting; and, it makes me more and more aware of how small my own social circle is, and how precious, and how it doesn’t matter how many friends I have on FB, or Google+, or Skype, or Twitter, or Pinterest, or Linkedin!
March 8th, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Luddites barely exist anymore Nancy. My 88-yr-old mom is learning to email, trying to keep up with her friends. But good ol’ face-to-face, mano-to-mano communication still reigns supreme.
Sadhvi that illustration of being somewhere beautiful and not powering down is an example of one of my pet peeves. But I just saw a posting on FB that warmed my heart. My friend Cynthia works at Portland Center Stage and she posted this: We got this report from a teacher who brought her class to see Cymbeline. “I have to tell you that one of my former students who joined the trip…told me on the bus home that his friend kept texting him to play a video game on his phone, and he told him, ‘I don’t want to play a video game; I have just been to a play that was so amazingly fun, I have to just sit here and think about everything that I saw!’”
Shakespeare 1 Video Games 0
March 8th, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Cathy…
Sitting in my kitchen drinking my morning coffee, with a smile on my face. I am both in awe and prideful of your way with words. Most likely my feelings stem from the fact that we are like sisters, “Real World Friends”, ” Cousins” and that I have known loved, (fought) and admired you since childhood… .
Just wanted to say Thanks for making my morning Joe that much more enjoyable and putting into words with ease and grace some of which we all know and think, yet don’t take the time to explore!
ILY….. Always
March 20th, 2012 at 8:28 am
If only more people navigated, edited, and filtered their communication as well as you do my very real friend. What a well written and thought provoking blog. It confirmed my ‘No Facebook’ decision, which I made ages ago when I set up and posted a few facts, only to be befriended by two high school faux friends who I ran from 35 years ago. That was it for me.
March 28th, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I held out as long as I could (iPad 3, Twitter, FB, LinkedIn, Google+ (anything Google), iPhone – then once I acquiesced I totally dig it, all of it. The key is not to substitute any of this for actual voices and faces, actual time together without diddling a smartphone,… by no means any kind of “relationship” that means anything. But rather, as a toolbox and a phenomenal one at that. I mean, look at this blog. Memo to Beauty (founder-instigator-blogmistress Cathy): kindly update the Favorite Sites here to… http://www.shewoolfcom, yes? x.
March 28th, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Well, there you have it. Silly me, I slipped the self-serving URL in there without that critical DOT in the com. http://www.shewoolf.com Tech TILT at its finest.