Cathy contemplates the source and the cure for her perfectionist ways

This is revolutionary… get ready for it…

Being a perfectionist is a waste of time.

There I said it.

Perhaps it’s the energy suck of hot flashes and other midlife maladies, or just the wisdom of the years, but lo and behold, I have come to realize that I must conserve and preserve my time and energy, and that no one really cares if what I do is less than perfect—no one, that is, but me.

According to Wikipedia, in its pathological form, “perfectionism is a belief that work or output that is anything less than perfect is unacceptable.”

I come to perfectionism by example. My 88-year-old mother is like a heat-seeking missile: she will find a crumb, an unraveling hem, or a physical flaw and call it out. You can literally eat off my mother’s floor, and to this day you’ll find her cleaning down there. Often.

My many years of dance training—always striving for perfect lines, timing and execution—hasn’t helped either. Nor have my earlier days in the PR biz. A couple of years ago, the president of the nonprofit I work for talked to the staff about venturing into new territories. It might be messy, she casually remarked, and not perfect but that’s ok. That’s ok? What? I was aghast. I, who had been a writer/editor for years, had it drummed into my cortex that nothing less than perfect will do, and that trying your hardest and being your best every moment of every day is the true path to greatness.

Obviously I’m re-thinking that.

I was born at the tail end of the boomer timeline, under a nuclear cloud and the early influence of the 1950’s. In junior high school while the boys were woodworking and fixing cars, we girls were required to enroll in home economics. We honed our life skills by sewing paisley tote bags, “cooking” cinnamon sugar toast and tap-tap-tapping on typewriter keys. We were coming of age in the wake of the How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying era (“I’d be so happy to keep his dinner warm, while he moves onward and upward…”) yet we were smack dab in the middle of the second wave of feminism. And a strong wave it was. We forged ahead, following in the footsteps of our foremothers who burned bras and blazed new trails. We over-reached, over-achieved and strived for perfection in the kitchen, the workplace and the bedroom.

Ahh, the bedroom; how I admired those Bond girls’ seductive Sixties style. They shaped my aesthetic with their sensual ways. But they, like the pinups of the ‘50s and the wafer-thin models of today, represented impossible standards of beauty and fashion, driving girls to self-destruction and anorexia and grown women to self-loathing and debt. In my quest to turn off my perfectionist parrot (the mite-infested one), I’m declaring no more airbrushed comparisons and no more suffering for style. While my 22-year-old niece goes clubbing in her stilettos (I just hope she doesn’t hurt herself), I vow to no longer stand, wobble, cinch or suffer for fashion.

I used to pride myself in being a visual, detail-oriented person with high standards, and now I’m finding it a burden. While I don’t think I need to lower my standards all that much, I need to be less neurotic about it.

Life is not black and white.

Yet, old habits die hard. How many drafts of this post have I done trying to make it sing? Don’t ask. I’ve been polishing this piece of prose with the vigor my mom uses for her silverware. Yet, both of us don’t see as well as we used to—and when it comes to being a former perfectionist, that’s probably a good thing.

Cathy finds inspiration for lightening up in dark times

The world seems to be in an upheaval these days. There’s so much bad news, it makes me want to burst into tears. But, I’ve decided to take a different path, to turn away from the sad and focus on the good.

From soul stirring to silly, brilliant to ballsy, here are ten things to get your face grinning.

#1) Smile! It’s Good for You

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh suggests that we look at ourselves in the mirror each day and smile. “What better way to start the day than with a smile?” he writes. “Our smile affirms our awareness and determination to live in peace and joy.“

Smiling lowers blood pressure and relieves stress, it’s contagious, and everyone looks better when they smile. Even if you don’t feel like it, try smiling and get some sunshine from deep within.

#2) Hop on the Bus Gus!

In Los Angeles, where wheels rule, the Do Good Bus gives participants an opportunity to get involved in their community. With no religious affiliation, each trip is different and assignments are kept a secret until on board.

Activities range from building new homes to creating guerrilla gardens, helping high school seniors with college applications to giving out hugs to strangers. One of the endeavors they support, “The Burrito Project”, deserves its own smile.

http://dogoodbus.com/

#3) Rice and Beans Wrapped Up in Love

Feeding the homeless and hungry, The Burrito Project started in 2006 with two bicycle riders and 90 burritos. Now they have over 20 riders and feed 300 to 400 people weekly in the LA area. But wait, there’s more….

Anyone can start a Burrito Project, a DIY blog tells you how. There are many Projects throughout the U.S., one in Ciudad, Mexico and even a Falafel Project based in Damascus, Syria.

http://dogoodbus.com/ride_burrito.html

#4) Humor for the Slithery Soul

If you haven’t heard, a 20-inch Egyptian Cobra went missing in the Bronx Zoo a couple of weeks ago. The snake became one of New York’s most famous celebrities, inspiring comedians of all stripes. Twitter’s @BronxZoosCobra kept me in stitches!

Here are a few entries from the escaped reptile as she made her way around the Big Apple (there’s an Adam and Eve joke in there somewhere) to her eventual capture almost one week later.

Got a bagel at H & H Bagels on upper west side. When I ordered I said, “I’ll have the snakes on a PLAIN.” He did not laugh. Tough crowd.

A lot of you are asking for details of my capture. Basically I was caught between the moon and New York City. #snakeinthezoo

http://twitter.com/BronxZoosCobra

#5) Teens Bloom Through Songs from the Heart

60 Minutes reporter Lesley Stahl spent a year following this amazing story.

“There’s a street in Harlem that comes alive every Saturday with the sound of gospel music. You won’t find any church there — just a brownstone full of teenagers and the woman who draws them in. Her name is Vy Higginsen, a New York radio personality and theater producer. Five years ago she created something called Gospel for Teens.… And if you’re thinking that Higginsen thought up this program as a way to save the teens, you’d be wrong. She did it to save the music.”

Like Gospel music, Vy Higginsen lifts people up. See the stories and hear the voices of these kids, some of whom are having hard times in their young lives. Get out your hankies, there may be some tears of joy served up with this smile.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/03/31/60minutes/main20049243.shtml

#6) The Happiness Project

I’ve been on the email list for The Happiness Project for almost three years and have watched its founder Gretchen Rubin go from hesitant experimenter to best-selling author. Her book is an account of the year she spent test-driving studies and theories about how to be happier. You can get her findings on the site and even start your own Happiness Project.

http://www.happiness-project.com/

#7) GOOD is Good

A website and quarterly print magazine covering a variety of topics, GOOD describes itself as “ a collaboration of individuals, businesses, and nonprofits pushing the world forward.” They also send daily doses of good stuff via email.

Here’s a tidbit:
“The special effects wizards over at Weta (they’re the folks who made the costumes and creatures for the Lord of the Rings movies) recently designed a mermaid tail so Nadya Vessey, a double amputee, can swim. And they did it just to be nice.”

http://www.good.is/

#8) This is Your Brain On…

All those theories about dead brain cells from partying in your youth can now go up in smoke. There have been some very exciting discoveries lately in the field of brain science concerning the plasticity, adaptive nature and self-correcting features of the human brain. Brain cells actually do regenerate! New neurons are created in the brain every day, even in people in their 70s.

If this type of stuff fascinates you, as it does me, you can hear the experts for free during the New Brain Science Teleseminar Series on Wednesdays at 5:00 PM Eastern / 2:00 Pacific until May 4th. (For access at other times there’s a fee.)

http://www.nicabm.com/thebrain2011/

#9) Interpretive Pooch Makes Beautiful Music

This video says it all. Sing in the shower, sing in the car, sing like no one is listening and sing your heart to happy!

#10) Kittens, Kittens, Kittens!

Need I say more?

****

I hope these 10 reasons have helped you smile your way to a better day.

Share your own smile stimulant. What makes you smile?

Cathy finds a beautiful day in the bay, sunny, cloudy and confusing

There’s a new girl in town: a new weather girl. Yes, they still use that term. Even though she’s a full-grown woman and an ordained meteorologist, she’s the new Bay Area “girl” and she’s H-O-T.

Meet Christina Loren, Today in the Bay’s morning cup of sexy; and boy does she pour it on. Case in point: see screenshot above. While she’s got a rockin’ bod (if you’re into the Barbie look), she’s actually got brains too and a fun on-air personality, but what she’s selling isn’t what’s behind her botoxed forehead or what’s coming from her bee stung lips; she’s selling what sells, S-E-X.

Loren wears short dresses and tops that are so tight I wouldn’t be surprised if she isn’t single-handedly keeping Lycra in business. This bombshell likes to accentuate her “assets” all right: buttons on nipples? Really? (Talk about high beams!)

The NBC station affiliate isn’t missing a beat; there’s an ad campaign in full swing. Numerous bus shelters and billboards show Loren perfectly coiffed and glossed, seated with a deep blue sky and white fluffy clouds behind her, “It’s always a beautiful day in the Bay.” No, I don’t think they’re referring to the weather.

Frankly, I can’t remember who was doing the weather before Loren breezed in; I think it may have been a man. The regular morning news anchors are a married couple that recently had triplets, so now anchor Laura Garcia-Cannon is perceived as a mom, in other words, no longer hot.

Based on Loren’s look and posture, I wondered if she was a graduate from a spokesmodel academy, but after a bit of research I found that she holds a B.A. in Economics and minored in Communications. She started out as a traffic anchor (note: they don’t use the word “girl” in this context) then extended her repertoire with some grad work and a three-year certification program to become a meteorologist.

When Loren left traffic reporting in South Florida for her new California gig, there were comments about her departure. Here are two examples, from both the male and female perspective:

NewsRoomDiva:
Wow… *speechless* she likes to dress sexy. I felt like I was watching a Forever 21 ad instead of a weathercast. I really have no words. She has a nice presence on air — so I don’t understand why she dresses so “trendy”.

Mike:
Really going to miss her perky attitude and her implants. Perfect for South Florida in the AM. Hopefully they’ll get someone just as perky but with bigger implants.

Sigh. Christina Loren is a grown-up example of what historian and author Stephanie Coontz calls the new feminine mystique — the “hottie mystique”. She describes it as the idea that “young women have to not only achieve in ways never expected…but to compensate for that achievement they must show that they are completely hot, sexual and desirable.” When I heard Coontz talk about this on Fresh Air, I thought, yes, that’s true! The stereotype of smart used to be the asexual schoolmarm and now it’s all about sizzling hotness — a head for business and a bod for sin.

I disagree with Coontz however when she says that a lot of women grow out of the “hottie mystique” phase in their teens. It’s difficult to outgrow pressure to be desirable and hot, and even if you do succeed, it can take years (or menopause).

An Indiana University study found that for male television viewers, the sexual attractiveness of female news anchors keeps them from recalling the actual content of the women’s reports. (They needed a study for that?) So if Today in the Bay is looking to boost their male ratings rather than inform viewers about what’s on the Doppler radar, then they’ve chosen well.

My local weather girl isn’t a “dumb blond” after all; she just plays one on TV and, as the philosopher of our times Paris Hilton says, “That’s hot.”

Cathy reflects on the positive reverberations of kindness and connection

It’s a new year, a new decade and time for a fresh start. Sometimes moving forward is just about going back, back to basics—and human kindness is about as basic as you can get.

In my last post, I wrote about my “funkified” state, concluding that self-kindness, loving-kindness, might be the best approach for calming the turbulent seas of my funk. Now, less than two months later, I believe it to be true. The cloud has lifted and despite many days of gray skies and rain, my enthusiasm has not dampened. My success was in large portion thanks to the kindness of others and finding out that I was not alone in my predicament. That and accepting that time was not on any particular schedule of my making, thus waiting for change while wading through the muck using patience and breath to get me through.

Kindness is free and limitless. It is a practice, an attitude, an approach. It’s an openhearted form of generosity that goes hand in hand with compassion; the more you practice kindness, the more natural it becomes. Jews speak of Tikkun Olam, to heal the world. Buddhists practice loving-kindness meditation. What would Jesus do? He’d be kind.

The most difficult part of the kindness quotient is loving-kindness toward self. In “What the Funk?” I wrote about the mite-infested parrot sitting on my shoulder squawking in my ear. What I really want to do is drown the dirty bird, but that probably wouldn’t work, he’d just come right back, pecking and prodding like something out of a Alfred Hitchcock film (you know the one); or I’d feel terribly guilty for having harmed the horrid creature. But if I approach The Negative One with caring and kindness, the bird could change, mellow and in turn act kinder too.

As Mother Theresa said, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” You can make your or someone else’s day change from bland to brilliant in an instant with something as simple as an encouraging word or compliment, a helpful gesture, a knowing smile. Even science backs this up. Brain scans have proven that donating to a worthy cause leads to dopamine-induced good feelings. As Jonah Lehrer reported on Marketplace, “It’s the same part of the brain that’s turned on when we have sex, or eat a slice of chocolate cake.” No calories gained or lost.

“Be kind, rewind.” I still like that now antiquated expression from days of yore when video stores slapped the request on boxes that held actual videotape. It’s kind of deep if you think about it. To me it says, take a moment and pay it forward for the next person. It reminds me of a story I’ll never forget. One time during rush hour at the Bay Bridge tollbooth, a perfect stranger in the car ahead of me paid for my toll. I did the same thing the next day for the car behind me.

What goes around comes around and what a wonderful world it could be if we would all be kind and rewind. Kindness is, after all, contagious.

Share your experiences of acts of kindness, given or received. (It’s more contagious than the common cold!)

Joy to the world, Cathy unearths her recipe for it

What brings me joy, year-round, is my local farmer’s market. What a feast for the senses—all six of them!

1) I see… a bounty of color and beauty.
2) I hear… people talking passionately about food, sharing recipes and wisdom from the farm.
3) I smell… fresh greens, damp dirt, flowers and sugar (from the waffle seller).
4) I taste… sweet fruit ripened on the vine, spicy hummus and rich almond butter.
5) I touch… everything. Is it soft enough, hard enough, ready now?

The sixth sense? A connection to the Earth, a sense of community, a reminder that food comes from the soil and not the supermarket—and an appreciation for life.

Find happiness at a farmer’s market near you. Check out Local Harvest’s zip code search, and even if you have to wait until spring—go local!

With a nod to P-Funk, Cathy tries to free her mind, so her ass will follow

I have always been a glass half-full kind of person. Now, firmly in my middle years, I’ve come to understand that life has its ups and downs and that staying the course eventually lands you just where you need to be. But lately, for almost three months now, I’ve been in a funk.

Why can’t I just stick my head in the sand like an ostrich, and shut out all sound and light? I can’t possibly do that when Tea Party extremists are shouting so loud. When cholera is killing earthquake survivors in Haiti (can they ever get a break?) When the number of women in government has reverted back a generation and poor Mr. Obama has to deal directly with folk who are, frankly, off their rockers. And while I too, am off my center—just when I start to regain my balance something throws me, and the downward spiral begins again.

Research has proven that people who practice gratitude regularly are typically happier and healthier. Believe me, I have so much to be grateful for. My octogenarian parents are still together and in good health, I have a job (even one that people envy), I have smart, interesting and loving friends and a warm extended family. I live in a beautiful place with nature in my backyard and one of the finest cities anywhere just across the bay. (Go Giants!) I’ve got access to world class culture, fresh healthy food and abundance—more than one can ever need.

So WTF? Why the funk? I could blame it on HORMONES or damn-it-to-hell weight gain, financial challenges and the lack (or want) of romantic love. Am I waiting for the shoe to drop, is gloom and doom lurking? Remember Baba Ram Dass (aka Richard Alpert) and his book Be Here Now? Under normal circumstances, those three words are the mantra I play in my head—whenever I need to shift focus, that phrase rearranges my atoms and drops me right into the moment. But these days, the mantra is so very faint…my evil twin, the Negative One, hisses far louder than the rock steady Voice of Reason.

Those who know me or have read my posts may wonder. Really? You? The one who came through breast cancer with the sunshiney attitude? Two years later, life is supposed to be “back to normal” right? No, not really.

Now is the time when the “new normal” merges with the “old normal” and old issues surface anew. People talk about how cancer changed me and how they’ve been so very transformed. Even when wrapped in transformation, we still do the dance: one step forward and two steps back. I’d rather be doing an Argentinean tango in Buenos Aires, thank you.

It took a while, but I’ve finally come clean about my funkified state, and of course my friends want to help. Suggestions include: “Take spinning classes,” to ignite endorphins, “Do meditation,” to calm the mind, “Eat smaller portions,” to shrink the stomach—those are all good, great actually, tho my instincts tell me that patience and self-kindness may hold the key to shifting my world view.

I just watched Jane Fonda interviewed on Oprah. Jane, now 72, believes that at age 59, we enter our “Third Act” when it all comes together more clearly. “Over [age] 50, people tend to get happier and less anxious,” she says. “[Life] gets better and easier.” Okay Jane. Better and easier, that I can look forward to.

For me, and so many others, the Negative One sits like a mite-infested parrot on my shoulder squawking in my ear, “You’re too this or you’re not enough of that.” We know better, yet why do we hold on to what doesn’t matter?

I recently got a newsletter from Marc Lesser, a Zen executive coach, on the topic of self-branding, “Practice the art of being nobody,” he writes. “Let go of trying to be anyone special, of trying to control, of trying to hold onto anything solid, especially yourself. Let yourself just be yourself…a happy, compassionate nobody.”

I love that, “be yourself…a happy, compassionate nobody.” That may just be my new mantra, that and “this too shall pass”.

Cathy beholds the benefits of the siesta and the true meaning of beauty rest

I was talking with my BF Leslie—an acupuncturist by trade and a healer by nature—when she told me how in her practice she finds that midlife women don’t allow themselves enough time to de-stress, decompress, pamper, or just relax. She also pointed out that this non-stop lifestyle eventually leads to all kinds of disease.

Hmmm. Women doing too much? Imagine that. It is my experience that this overdoing syndrome is passed down from generation to generation (martyr much?) So what to do about it? How do we recharge and reboot without it taking too much time or costing too much money?

One word: CATNAP! Yes, I believe that just might be the cure to what ails us.

According to an article in The Boston Globe aptly titled “The Lifesaving Potential of an Afternoon Nap,” a study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine concluded that “napping was more likely than diet, physical activity or [not] smoking to lower the incidence of heart attacks and other life-ending heart ailments.” A 20-minute nap or brief non-REM sleep (no more than 45 minutes) enhances concentration, alertness and memory, elevates mood and can sharpen motor skills.

Beauty rest is not just the name of a mattress and napping is not just for vacations or cranky children.

Speaking of beauty rest, napping and weight control are also connected. Here’s how: midlife women tend to gain weight (hello muffin top), especially if they aren’t sleeping well. We ladies know about those annoying sleep interruptions often induced by perimenopause, menopause or stress. The sweet nectar that sleep provides also pumps the hormone Leptin, which tells our brains that we are full. So if we don’t sleep well, we don’t get enough Leptin and, damn it, we overeat.

Did you know that Americans are among the most sleep deprived? With that in mind, I’ve done some research on how to best catch those replenishing zs. By observing my cat Cleo, who has been perfecting this technique for 17 years, I have learned the following steps to mastering the art of the catnap.

Catnap 101

1) Relaxxxx…

2) Find a quiet and comfortable spot, preferably on a soft surface: a couch or bed will do. A sunny spot with a cool breeze is most desirable.

3) Lie down. Stretch and yawn simultaneously.

4) Stare into space in a meditative state. Breathe in and out, sustaining a rhythmic, effortless pace.

5) Nod off slowly, eyes at half-mast, until you’ve drifted into la la land (or until you hear the sound of a can opener).

Some random catnap notes:

The afternoon slump is a natural effect of our circadian rhythms. Most workplace accidents and errors happen during this time.

If you drink coffee before a 20-minute nap, the caffeine will take effect around the time you wake up.

Famous nappers include J.F.K., Thomas Edison, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dr. Andrew Weil and Bill Gates (who is said to have been an under-the-desk napper).

There’s even a nap “app for that”: Catnap Pro, Power Nap and Power Nap Hypnosis Quick Cat Nap, to name a few available at the iPhone App Store.

Remember the “disco nap” the short nap before going out late to dance the night away? Carine is a disco nap pro. Nancy is a master of the post-hike-post-lunch-snooze and Jeremy catches zs before he exercises. Then there’s the foundation of all naps, the kindergarten nap. Robert Fulghum had it right when he said, “Think what a better world it would be if we all, the whole world, had cookies and milk about three o’clock every afternoon and then lay down on our blankets for a nap.”

Can napping can lead to world peace? With that in mind, I’ll grab my eye shades and curl up on the couch. The breeze is just right and there’s a kitty to cozy up beside me. A see the perfect siesta in my future.

Do you nap?

Source: “How to Nap”, Boston Globe (click on the image to see full size)