10 Things I Plan to Accomplish in 2009

Filed Under All Posts, Carine Fabius, Humor, Politics | 11 Comments

1. To stop the nonsense uttered by Ann Coulter, Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber and other circus freaks that pass for commentators on world affairs, I will invent a supersonic chip that makes microphones go dead whenever they try to speak.

2. Simply by spraying my yet-to-be-invented secret potion in the air, Israelis and Palestinians will fall madly in love with each other and forget why they ever started fighting in the first place. I plan to call it Love and Forgetfulness.

3. I will engineer a price increase of corporate executive bonus proportions for the hormones injected in poultry so that organic chickens become the cheaper alternative at the supermarket. This way, the next generation of 12-year-olds won’t be found shopping bra racks, wondering if they look sexy enough in their midriff tops.  Read more

Honey, Did you Put Away the Groceries… (or did I)?

Filed Under All Posts, Humor, Miscellaneous, Prudence Baird | 1 Comment

If you have ever found the dishwasher running and wondered who turned it on—even though you’re the only one home—then this song is for you!

I was lucky enough to see folksinger Tom Rush at the fabulous and vintage Colonial Theater in Keene, New Hampshire, last month.  He makes mis-remembering acceptably cool.

Learn more about Tom Rush at his website >>

A Parable of Woe or A “Hairy-Tale”

Filed Under All Posts, Beauty, Connie Stetson, Humor | 11 Comments

On my father’s side of the family I am part Swedish (Ecklund) and part Portuguese (Frias)…Ooh…I’m a Porta-Swede.

Up until the time of the Menopause, the Swedish ruled the Queendom of Connie.  Fair, liberal and free of excess body hair, they ruled all parts of the Connie with good judgment, equilibrium and ease.  The Swedish in Connie laughed and played and worked in the warmth of youth and vigor, proud of her lack of excess body hair.  Little did she suspect that just under the skin, awaiting some deep genetic signal, a coarser, darker presence was lurking. Read more

Going, Going, Gray

Filed Under All Posts, Beauty, Carine Fabius, Humor | 7 Comments

God hates me.  How else can I explain this going gray business?  It’s happening all over my body.  My pubic hair is going gray.  I’m noticing stray grays in my eyebrows.  I swear, my skin is going gray, too.  Isn’t gray the color of rats?  I am particularly not fond of rats, and He is turning me into one—I’m sure I noticed a whisker the other day.  Guess what color it was?  I’m telling you, God has it in for me.  Recently I looked up at the sky, and it was slate gray, for Pete’s sake!  I’m taking it personally.  On an otherwise fresh Tuesday morning not long ago, I noticed these headlines on the front page of the Los Angeles Times Business section:  Read more

Adieu, My Butt Crack Buddy

Filed Under All Posts, Humor, Politics, Prudence Baird | 8 Comments

Ours was an unlikely friendship. Me, a middle-aged, green tea-sipping NPR listener; Him, 30ish, pot-bellied, chain-smoking Dittohead.

I selected Frank from a bevy of contractor types who interviewed to help me remodel two 80-year-old bathrooms. His fingernails were black, but his white tee-shirt crisp and his blue eyes sparkled behind paint-flecked glasses.

As he worked up designs, plans and budgets, sketching with squarish contractor’s pencil, he talked nonstop about the unique challenges of old homes.  Every once in a while, he’d stop and sharpen the pencil with a penknife, brows furrowed in concentration. I was smitten. That afternoon, I handed him my house keys and a check for $30,000 vaguely wondering if I’d ever see him again.  Read more

Guilty Pleasures

Filed Under All Posts, Group Posts, Humor, Miscellaneous | 10 Comments

Our Fifty is the New contributors were asked to name one guilty pleasure—a way to escape or distract from the hubbub and stress of the election and other things. In this context, a “guilty pleasure” is something you really enjoy, but feel a wee bit embarrassed about admitting.

Read what they have to say, then add your own guilty pleasure!

Prudence: Googling ex-boyfriends to see if they’re dead yet. If only I could remember the name of the one I called “Plaid Shirt Guy.”

Cathy: Watching Showbiz India, a combination of Bollywood excerpts and Entertainment Tonight-type “news” on Saturday mornings.  I love the music videos, replete with colorful costumes, bejeweled beauties, hilarious choreography, melodrama and chaste romance.

Melissa: Reading People magazine, cover-to-cover, in one sitting on a Friday evening.    Read more

What Not to Wear

Filed Under All Posts, Connie Stetson, Humor, Media, Pop Culture, Style | 13 Comments

I was standing in the grocery store line the other day perusing magazine headlines: “Madonna Gives Birth to Satan’s Love Child,” “Brad and Angelina Adopt Cat,” “Bulimic Brittany Barfs Barrels—Spagos Diners Disgusted,” when something so mind-boggling, so shocking caught my eye, I gasped.  Glamour magazine’s cover page, in all its glossy glory headlined, “What to Wear at 20, 30, 40, to be Your Sexy Best.”  I was aghast.  All I could think of was when did it happen?  When did I fall off the fashion radar?  What about MEEEEE?????

It hadn’t occurred to me that I would be facing this dilemma so soon.  I’m standing at the crossroads of Juicy Couture and Talbot’s.  I’m pretty clear that at my age wearing the word “JUICY” on my ass is just false advertising, but I’m also not ready for the muumuus and leisure wear that I see in the next department, and I sure as hell don’t want to look like a Republican, all coiffed and suited up so tight I squeak. Read more

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